30 and Thank You!

Tomorrow I am turning thirty. I have lived three decades of life! So weird. I was thinking back on my life so far today and it has been crazy, but it has been fully mine. I have walked a different road to get to where I am today. I have not followed "typical" timelines or hit every milestone many others have, but I am so blessed to be where I am today. 

I have an amazing family. Seriously. You guys are the best. I am supported and loved, but also challenged. I feel like I have a front row seat to history when I look at my three epic nephews and getting to see them grow and learn amazes me. My sister and brother in law are some of my biggest supporters and a safe space where I know that I will get love, authentic conversation, and probably cry because I am laughing so hard. My parents are physically and emotionally present in my life. That is huge. My mom showed up today to bring me flowers and balloons so that I can walk into my office tomorrow and feel loved. They love in big ways and small. I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and extended family that I am proud to call my own. Doing what I do everyday, and seeing the lives my kids have led, I feel so blessed to be surrounded by a tribe I enjoy. 

I have great friends. I have some friends that I am getting to know, and some who have walked me through trial and fire, still standing with me when the smoke clears. I have been so grateful to be able to find people who I can be myself around, without having to add or subtract pieces of myself to try to fit in. I might not have the largest circle, but my circle goes deep. I have people that I can depend on, and who I want to show up for when they are having trials as well. It's this give and take that makes a me, into a we, and I have been so blessed to be included in the circles of some amazing people. 

I love love love my job. I never have the same day twice. Walking out of one building today I was suddenly surrounded by five of my kids who all wanted hugs and to tell me things that they were excited about. I get to be there in happy moments and sad, for the easy and the hard, and it is extremely fulfilling to feel like I am where I am called, and equipped to be. 

Looking at all the ways that God has blessed me, I am so thankful for my life. There were days in my 20s that I questioned whether or not life was worth it, if the hard was too hard, and the good not good enough. I can say now, it is worth it. I am so glad that I struggled through dark days and periods where I felt consumed by the chaos. I am so glad I kept moving, let people in to my struggle and tried again. My life is no where near perfect. I am messy, not the greatest with timelines, struggle with social anxiety and a whole host of other things that hit my insecurity alarm as the days pass by. But, looking back, and looking forward, I can say I am glad to be who I am, be where I am, and have been where I was. So to all of you who have been part of my journey so far, thank you. Thinking back on the memories we have made, and looking forward to the ones we will make has made me smile today. Here is to the next 30 years! 

Don't call it a comeback....

Y'all. I feel like I should tell you guys that I have about 7 different journals and diaries that I halfway started growing up that never made it past a month. I always had the best of intentions, but horrible followthrough. One begins "I am 11 now so I am grown up enough to remember to write in this everyday." It then went on to list the boys I liked and how I was going to marry one of them someday. Well, since I am a single pringle, that part obviously didn't work out. And want to take a guess at how many days I kept up that practice of writing everyday? Just that one. It is the only entry in the entire diary. Well that and a pretty sweet drawing of what my wedding would look like. Art has never been my thing, but those potatoish looking people sure were sparkly! In my defense, all the diaries and journals look really cool on the outside so at least I have good taste in the books I never used! My blog somehow became one of those forgotten journals. It took multiple people asking me why I stopped writing for me to realize that it had happened yet again! You guys were witness to my forgotten journal number 8. Whoops! I would say something like "I am about to turn 30 and will be able to keep up with writing consistently because I am an adulting adult who adults" but let's be real...based on my track record, and how often I straight up forget I have a twitter account, it makes more sense for me to just say that I will try to be more consistent. Seriously. I will try. 11 year old Amy is shaking her head at me because she tried too, but hopefully almost 30 year old me will be a little more consistent.
So, basic life update time! I am still at my job and most days I love it. My work is challenging in the best way and I get to work with an amazing team. Some people have shifted off my team, and some new faces have stepped into the picture, but I couldn't ask for better people to navigate the chaos with. There are definitely days that I question my sanity and want to escape into a cubicle somewhere, but most days I am glad to be exactly where I am. I get to be surrounded by hills and trees and a tribe of people who keep me upright and moving forward. I may not have all the typical 30s boxes checked (house, husband, kids) but I have learned to own the path I walk and celebrate the journey I am on. My life may not be "typical" but it is wonderful.
Except when it isn't. I've been pretty open with you guys about my struggles with depression and this past year has had some difficult moments. There have been days when the trees surrounding my house feel like bars caging me in and I struggle to move or breathe or interact with anyone in a meaningful way. But those days, minutes, and moments pass. Honestly, my kids help. Seeing the things they carry, and the way they keep moving, encourages me to try again. God definitely knew where I needed to be in order to grow! Some days my victories are helping my kids find a coping skill or move on from an issue or move closer to a goal. Other days my victories are standing up and putting on deodorant. I've learned to count them all as wins. My life isn't very different from when I last let you have a glimpse of it, but hopefully, in the months I have lived since then, I have grown.
For the sake of helping myself be more accountable, i'm telling you here, that my plan is to write another blog before I am officially 30. I started writing the other day about my 20s and I think it is something I want to share with you. So for those of you still with me, thanks for sticking around and caring enough to remind me that I needed to start posting again. You communicating to me that this matters to you is more meaningful than you know!