What Bible are you reading?

Ok. Truth talk time. Today I am a little bit upset. This morning I got yet another text linking me to an article about a Christian "leader" of our times being shady in his business and personal dealings. It seems that almost every time I turn on my computer I am slammed with another story about someone claiming to be doing God's work warping the message for their own profit, or using the message as a spear to pierce those they view as different from themselves. For some reason, these leaders wake up everyday and instead of putting on the belt of truth and the breastplate of righteousness, put on the suit of hypocrisy and the tie of judgement and say it is the same thing. In looking at their brothers and sisters and calling them unworthy, they are not only harming those around them but themselves as well.

When Jesus came he built a great empire with a magnificent building and preached the message that if you came to him, you would be comfortable and prosperous and that you would then have the right to lord the sins of others over their heads while condemning them. Oh...wait...scratch that. He didn't. Yet, all around me I see people who have claimed to speak for me and my ideals, who have platforms that reach more people than I ever will, being unapologetic in their judgement of those around them. I see them passing themselves off as emperors of their own little empires where they breed ideals I can never seem to find in the bible I read. To these leaders, I offer a word of caution. Jesus could have easily come as the conqueror and made himself an empire which knew no bounds, but instead he formed a group of transient people and gave them the message to go spread the message of love. Jesus never had a massive building or 200 programs to make good little christians feel better while excluding the rest of the world; no, he went to the rest of the world and loved them as we are commanded to do.

For the rest of us, we should look at these leaders with caution. They have become this way because there is no one around them who can keep them accountable for their actions. We all need to have friends around us who will speak hard truths to us. When I am not loving those around me, or when I start passing judgement on someone because they are different than I am, I am sinning and I need someone to step up and tell me. We all need that. The Church needs that. We should never need to apologize for our faith or add the caveat "but I'm not like that" when talking to people around us about God and their perception of him. We have allowed the way the world views the Church to become a hindrance to our message. How are people supposed to believe that God will welcome them into the gates of Heaven, when we won't welcome them inside the doors of our churches? I am taking the Romans 14 view to life. (Romans 14) I hope you will take it with me. I hope you can look at the world around you and see that your sovereign God created it ALL and has a purpose for it ALL and wants you to find a way to love ALL his children, not just the ones who look like you. Take back the message of love from those who have warped it and reach out to those who are hurting.

2+2=7

For some reason, formulas hardly ever seem to work out for me. For example, University + 4 years = degree. Yeah…not so much for me. By this age in my life, according to the plan I made as an all-knowing 15 year old, I was supposed to have accomplished 4 things already.
1. Graduated from College
2. Had a stable job I love
3. Married the man of my dreams
4. Settled into a home and life somewhere we could grow together
This was the plan. The formula was Amy + College + Boy = married with job and happy life.
At 18 I remember thinking, okay God. It's time! Make stuff happen now! I was in college (which everyone said I was "made for" whatever that means) and it was time to figure out the major, meet the man, and start the plan! But, if you know me at all, you know that none of that worked out. And I wouldn't have wanted it to work out.
Sometimes the point of starting something isn't to finish it, it is to start it. Baylor University is an amazing place for some people, but it was never where I needed to finish. It was where I needed to start. I needed to see myself for what I was and what I wasn't, and learn to love them both. It was about the journey for me. There is fruit that I grew there that would have been unable to grow in any other environment. God used the formula, just not how I thought he would.
I wish life were easy. I wish I could take away all the pain and suffering of those I love. I wish everyone knew they were enough, they were loved and they were important to God and to me. I wish 2+2 always equaled 4, but sometimes, for seemingly no reason, it equals 7. Sometimes we aren't supposed to succeed, sometimes we are simply supposed to try and go through the journey.
There will always be things that don't make sense to me, but there is one thing I do know. When up against a wall, there are only two options.
First, God will equip you and guide you through. For those of you who are being equipped, I am praying for your perseverance. It can be a long process, and, you can even start to doubt if in fact you are being equipped at all, but until God releases you from it, I am praying for your discernment and endurance as you are refined and molded.
Second, God tells you to let it go and you leave it there. For those of you who are walking away from things, I am praying for your hearts as you move forward. I am praying that you can see the fruit from the journey and will have courage to embark on whatever comes next.
If you are struggling through right now, I would encourage you to pray for discernment if this struggle is one you need to go through, or one your pride won't allow you to release. Whatever your next step is, know that you are loved, cared for and that you are not the only person who the formula hasn't quite added up for.

Resolutions

"With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere." -C.S. Lewis

It is a new year! That means that for most of us, we have taken time to reflect upon the hardships of last year and tried to commit to being better in this new year. We have found things we are dissatisfied with in ourselves and resolved to change them. Whatever your resolutions may be, I wish you luck with them in the days to come. I hope that you are able to make positive changes in your life that last for longer than just the month of January and I would also ask that you help me keep mine in the year to come. I have resolved to do five things differently this year, and if you want to do them with me, I invite you to join in!

1. Love Fearlessly
I too often, in relationships with others and more importantly in my relationship with God, allow fear to play a major role. God wants me to love with abandon. If I am loving those around me fearlessly I can show them the type of radical love Jesus showed the world when he came and if I am loving God without fear I will be able to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit wherever it may lead. I don't want fear to play a part in how I love others this year.

2. Live Actively
I want to be an active part of the lives of the people I am blessed to know. I want to not be a face that they sometimes see or someone that occasionally they talk to on the phone. I want to be there for the joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures of the amazing people I get to be surrounded by. I want to make sure that in this coming year people know that I am here to be on their team and that I will not shy away from their mess or darkness, but that I am going to stand in their storm.

3. Find Whimsy
I am 24 years old. I am at a wonderful stage in life where I am new to the adult table, but, I want to be sure that in the coming years I am still able to still find wonder and whimsy in the world around me. My creator delights in his creation, and I want to be sure I am doing the same. I want to seek joy and hope, find myself in situations where the only appropriate response is to giggle, and to enjoy the life I have been given.

4. Learn humbly
I am nowhere near knowing all that I need to know or want to know about anything. I want to be sure that in the coming year I am containing to study and learn. I want to learn more of the word of God so than I can hold it in my heart. I want to learn more about the area I feel called to so that I can best help those I will impact in the future. I also want to learn more about myself and who I am at my core. I want to know my God, skills, self and shortcomings better at the end of this year than I do now, which means I have a lot of learning to do.

5. Grow gratefully
I have been given life, talents and a calling worthy of someone greater than I am now. I want to grow this year to more resemble Christ and the woman I was made to become. In continuing to love, be an active part of the lives of others, keeping my childish sense of wonder and learning more of who I am, I will hopefully grow closer to that person, but it also takes me continually praying to become her. I need to pray against complacency in who and where I am and always be willing to work on myself for the Glory of God and the betterment of my ministry. I want to always be growing until the day comes when I go to my eternal home and am able to worship the God I love forever.

So friends, these are my resolutions. I hope to love you more, love myself more, giggle with you, be constantly learning, and grow closer to who I could be someday this year. I hope you accomplish your resolutions and will help me keep mine in the 361 days we have left of this year.

Enough Already

Maybe it is because it is the Holiday season but I have seen so many articles and blogs recently about relationships! Since there are so many, I decided to add one more to the mix because I have yet to hear any advice that I felt like taking to heart. I have read articles that want to give me hope because there is someone out there for me and when he finally shows up my endless wait will be over and my happiness will begin. I have read articles that literally have phrases I can memorize so I can respond to the question "why are you still single" with dignity and less emotional pain. I have read blogs that tell me why I need a man and why I should keep up the search because I just can't do it on my own. I have read blogs that tell me being single isn't a crime and I should try to have fun in single-land while I can, but always be ready to leave because couple-land is where we all really want to be. I have basically been told in 100 different ways that I should be doing more to "catch" a man because until I have him, my true joy and purpose can't begin and people will continue to ask me hurtful questions like "when is my turn coming" and "don't you want a boyfriend" until I finally accede to the social norm and couple off like the rest of the good little girls and boys. I have even been told by someone, who I am sure meant very well, "Aw sweetie, even the animals went into the ark two by two". Ummm…thanks?
I want to say three things very clearly. One, I have nothing against marriage or men. Two, relationships can be awesome and there is nothing wrong with dating. Three, being single is nothing to be ashamed of. This isn't an "I hate men" tirade, or a rant on feminism. This isn't about how i'm not letting men "steal my power". This is simply me saying I am already whole and complete on my own. Maybe I am weird, but I don't think there is anything wrong with my story so far. I am 24, single and have never been in a relationship. I mean, I married boys at recess and had the middle school boyfriends that you dated for two hours and broke up with at lunch when they shared their Cheetos with another girl, but I've never dated anyone even semi seriously. I'm not afraid of boys, some of my best friends are of the male variety, but I have never invited someone into that part of my heart.
I remember getting the "check yes or no" note in 5th grade and instead of feeling excited by the prospect of being picked to be a girlfriend, I passed it back asking him to define what girlfriend meant to him, because I wasn't going to blindly check a box when I wasn't sure what it meant. It was then that I realized I wasn't a casual date kinda girl. Then in high school my family moved to another town and I felt like God was calling me to be a friend to those I met there, but to guard the other part of my heart. For the time being, God had asked me to be single, and I am so glad he did. I didn't need to date in high school to have fun! I took guy friends to the prom, went to movies and parties and made some friends that I will have forever, but never had my heart broken. Then came college and that took enough emotional energy on its own. Figuring out who I was and what my place was in the world is a journey that knocked me over. While God got me through, I am still figuring all that out and at that time I didn't know me well enough to be with anybody else. Being in a relationship at that time would have been a crutch for me and a detriment to the other person.
Now, I know me much better. I know who I am, where I stand and what I am worth, but I keep getting the message that I am not enough. Well, I have hit rock bottom and sacrificed enough blood, sweat and tears to get back up to know that that is a lie. I am enough. I was created to be enough and while relationships can be great, they are not my good. My good is that I was created for God, by God and am able to be his child all on my own. I am good enough to be with someone, but I am also good enough to be on my own. Someday I might get married and become a wife, but that isn't my aim. If it happens awesome, if it doesn't awesome. This, like I strive for every part of my life to be, is a "thy will be done" area. If God wants me to date someday, I will be happy to do so. If God wants me to be married someday, I will be happy to do so. If God wants me to be single forever, I will be happy to do so. I am enough, worthy and loved as I am. I hope you all know that you are enough, worthy and loved as well, whether you are married, dating or single.

Verbal Skills

I nanny a four year old who is non-verbal. He tries so hard to communicate with the world around him, but the easiest communicational path is closed for him. Our days are a mash up of signs, gestures and sounds as we work together to make sure he feels safe, happy and loved. This has become my norm. I forgot that this isn't the way everyone operates until I took him to swimming lessons.
We were walking in and he was "talking" which means he is repeating sounds like a hard B or D over and over. I try to encourage talking so I was saying things like "Is that right" and "Then what happened" to try to keep him communicating. This is what we do day in and day out, but nobody else knew that. All they saw was something new, strange and different. I expected it from the kids, but I was a little amazed by how many parents stopped and stared. I decided not to let it bother me and went right on with our usual process. They could modify their expectations, my lil guy can't.
Later that evening I was thinking about the day and I realized that I am a lot like my lil guy. As years pass and life gets more and more real, I am finding myself less equipped to talk about it. Death isn't distant anymore, I have had people unexpectedly and shockingly taken from my life. The dark parts of human nature aren't confined to plot lines on movies I don't watch, but have reached out and touched some of my friend's lives. Things happen and I am not relying on explanations from my parents as they lead me through whatever lies ahead, but I am being asked to walk on as I make sense of what is around me.
Luckily, God understands. It doesn't matter if all I have to offer him is confusion, he knows my meaning. I don't have to know what to say or how to say it for him to help guide me toward what I need. My eloquence (or lack thereof) in no way determines his understanding of my heart. As life moves on, I am so thankful for this.
Being with the lil guy has also made me want to be as clear as I can be communicationally. It doesn't matter what he actually says to me, but it matters that I get the right message. In typical communication it is the opposite, and the responsibility lies in the message. If I say something to you and you hear something different from what I meant, it isn't your fault as the listener, but my fault as the communicator. I need to modify my message.
For example, I had just made a new friend in college and when she would talk to me, I would nod along and offer supporting interjections like "yeah" and "I know" and "that makes sense" as she spoke. She thought I was making fun of her and trying to cut her off! Whoops! This habit came from the fact that when I spoke to my sister and some other friends, those same comments meant that I was listening and following along with them. To them it was heard as "you're important to me, keep talking" to the other friend it was heard as "I'm bored, shut up". Same words, completely different meanings. As the communicator of those words, I needed to clarify their meaning and see how best to communicate that same message to this friend.
After constantly modifying all day everyday, I know it can be tiring, but isn't it worth it? While God understands without words, people need a little more help. Take pride in your message. Make it worth the added effort it may be to make sure that the people around you hear what you mean. Make sure those you love have heard that you love them in what you are communicating to them. Make your words count, and for what you don't have words for, know God understands and loves you always.

Connecting

We live in a strange time. We live in an age where cellphones are almost never out of reach. I can let 541 people know what I had for lunch on any given day with a few taps on my keyboard. We are so constantly being updated on every little detail of people we hardly know that we can feel very connected to the world around us. We can also feel very disconnected. Just because 541 people know what I ate for lunch, doesn't mean that they know that I might have eaten it alone and felt left out of the circle of people who all had someone to eat with. 

There is yet another story of a young hollywood actor today who has died much too soon. I can't help but wonder, with all his fans and friends and what seemed to be a large support system, was anyone really connecting with him? Or, like in the case of so many others who have gone down that road before him, did he feel alone amidst the masses? I know I can't be the only one who has ever felt lonely in a room full of people before. 

Facebook has become a place for political tirades and silly stories, but what about when you need a heart to heart? For some reason, people sometimes feel too ashamed to ask for help. I will be the first to admit that I need help sometimes, and I know that I have people I can ask who will readily respond to my SOS. Many of the people we know aren't that lucky. 

If you have people you know you can go to, I would encourage you to look for those in your spheres of influence who don't. Be that person for someone else. 

If you don't have someone you feel like you can go to, please don't be afraid to ask for help. I for one would much rather someone be real with me than to know that they have played eight levels of Candy Crush and listened to the Backstreet Boys all day. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to ask for help, but the risk of not asking is too high. Whether it be a professional or a friend, please seek someone who can stand with you when the world around you shakes. 

Please, instead of hiding and trying to just wish away pain, lets be real with each other. Let's get involved in each others lives. Let's not be afraid to invite someone into our mess and ask for help in organizing the debris. I never want anyone to feel like they have nowhere to turn, and no one to listen. While God is always there when we need him, sometimes we need someone to hold our hand and pray with us. Let's get involved, and not in a facebook friend kind of way, but a face to face real life kind of way. 

Today I want everyone who reads this to know that they aren't alone. God does't make mistakes and he made you. God answers prayer and my prayer today is that no one feels alone in their chaos. God has equipped professionals with the tools to help people process the darkness they feel, and he has given us the gift of friendship. Don't be satisfied with virtual friendships, seek to be a real friend to someone today. 

Waiting for the Whisper

God keeps me on my toes. There are many days when I feel like he is readily accessible, making his presence known throughout the day. There are days when he shows up in big ways and I feel like he is taking every step with me; then there are days when I feel like he is watching from afar as I flounder around, blindly seeking his will and not getting a ready answer.
Today I re-read one of my favorite old testament passages, 1 Kings 18 -19. In it God keeps Elijah on his toes as well. First he shows up in big ways making fire fall from the sky and showing himself to the people who were uncertain, then he makes one who is certain of him wait through wind, earthquake and fire for the gentle whisper that hold's his presence.
During darker days, these verses were some of the ones that I held onto with all I had. God didn't promise effortlessness or that he would show up in the same ways each time, but he promised he would show up. We aren't promised ease, but we are promised presence; we aren't promised immediate answers, but we are promised the strength we need to persevere.
I am in a new stage in my life. I am preparing to move to another state, I am preparing to finally end the college journey (woo hoo!), and I am preparing to do all this without my sister here for ready guidance and support.  The hardest times in my life have been when I have been the farthest from my sister, once in college and once in high school. I can't say that I was looking forward to what her moving to Chad meant selfishly for me, but in talking to my mom last week I was reminded of something. Sometimes in order to make himself all you need, God makes himself all you have. I have a phenomenal family, and amazing friends, but the person who has trail blazed for me thus far hasn't walked the road I am about to embark upon. God is the only one who can really take this journey with me.
I feel like the past few years of my life have been riddled with giant winds that blew my plans apart, earthquakes that created new scenery, and fire that blazed through useless brush to clear the way for new things to be planted. Even just in the past year, everything has changed. I transferred to a different school, moved apartments, my parents moved, I got answers as to why what seems effortless to some seems impossible to me, got an amazing nephew, sent three of my favorite people halfway around the world, decided on a path, and stopped dragging around useless pain that only served to encumber my journey. Now I am waiting on the whisper. I am waiting on the gentle whisper that embodies God to come along and tell me what is next. I can't honestly say that I am good at waiting patiently, but I am waiting assured that God will come, and that is so much netter than waiting in uncertainty.
In the days to come, I am praying for those who are waiting with me for the whisper and for those who are currently experiencing the wind, earthquake and fire. May those of us who wait, wait in the assurance that God will come, and those of us who are experiencing disaster find hope that the whisper will come and the trauma will end. We are God's, his will is perfect, and he understands us, even if we can't understand him. He will show up; may we all be ready when he does.