Inside Work

It has been a WEEK! When I first arrived at this unit last summer I was scared out of my mind. These kids were going to see straight through me and I was going to be of no help at all. What did I, the girl who couldn't even handle the crazy combination of emotions and college know that could possibly help these kids? But Jesus said go and I listened and here I am one year later! I have been trained to do things I never even knew you could do, met some amazing co-workers who share the load with me and found out that the "scary" kids and really just kids. They told me to give it a year before making any judgements and I have. My judgement is...it has been a crazy year!
My unit houses eight girls, and there was one girl who I was warned about when I was beginning training. She had been here for a year already and no one could see her moving out. She was not willing to work on her behaviors, and, in her words, "Change is too hard." I spent countless hours trying to brainstorm up ways to impact her. I prayed and prayed and the only thing I felt was God calling me to live along side her. So I did. We all did. I have no idea what clicked but eventually, she began to try, to work, and to change. We lived along side her, through the rough and the easy, the beautiful and the shameful, until she finally could see a way out. Now I can say with a massive smile on my face that the girl who no one thought could ever make it did the amazingly hard work it took to get her out of my unit and into a less intense cabin. She did it. As she left she said "Thanks for pushing me miss. It was time for me to go." And it was! She did so much hard work, put forth so much effort, and finally got the reward. She achieved her goal!
Sometimes we have no idea what it is that helps, or when seed will begin to produce growth. We just have to keep trying and waiting for the change to come. This is not an easy lesson to learn, or a fun one. For me, I have had a respiratory infection for weeks now, which last week decided to evolve into Bells Palsy. So as I walk around with clogged ears, itchy throat and half way frozen face, my girls are being very patient with me. At this point I have taken an anti viral antibiotic, an anti bacterial antibiotic and a steroid to deal with this craziness. Now I wait for my body to do the inside work it needs to do to get better. I have taken the meds, now I have to take the time. I tell my girls all the time, you do the work, take the steps you can, and the rest will come. Now it is my turn. It is so much easier to be the teacher than it is to be the student! But if they can do it, so can I!
They do the hard work every single day of getting up and trying. They are constantly doing the "inside work" that no one can really see at first, but eventually gives them hope and coping skills. If I had a magic wand I would wave it and magically make the "inside work" easier. The stuff no one sees, but no one can do without. My body wouldn't be infected with germs and they wouldn't be infected with shame from their pasts. But it doesn't work that way. Life would be easier, yes, but nowhere near as beautiful. We need the time to acclimate to the change. We need the failure to appreciate the hard work it takes to succeed. We need the rest to realize how hard we have been working. We need the inside work. So this week, pray for my girls as they do the hard work no one sees yet, but will make a huge difference later on. And selfishly, I ask you to pray for me too. This infection palsy thing isn't very fun.

My Big Secret

Dear Friends,
I am writing this post in a different form because it is far more personal than other posts I have done so far. This is my letter to each of you and if you need to ask me questions after reading this post, please feel free to do so. My posting this is not an admittance of weakness or shame, but coming forward to say this where I am, where I was, and expressing my willingness to jump in wherever you are in your life at the moment.
 I had a happy childhood, I have an amazing family, I was never inappropriately touched or abused. I have met some amazing people who jumped in this crazy thing we call life with me and have been willing to walk with me in storms. The worst thing to happen to me so far, is that I was unable to fill an expectation I placed on myself because I never stopped to think God might have something different for me. I have been, in short, extremely blessed. My big secret however, is that for a period of time, I completely and utterly despised myself. Not in an "I could lose five pounds or change my hairstyle" kind of way, but I could not even look in mirrors because the person who looked back at me made me want to throw up. I could find no worth or meaning in her.
I didn't know her, didn't want to know her, and hated that this was the form I had to use in order to meet the world. If I hated her this much, surely everyone else did too. Everyone who smiled at me, or was nice, I carried the weight of their unwanted pity. There was no way that anyone actually liked me. Being alone was dangerous, being around other people was dangerous and I found myself in a pit. The only reason I didn't just end it all was because I did the math and realized my parents had taken out loans to pay for my college and I didn't want them to be stuck with more debt from a funeral.
During this time I led a bible study, helped other people with their lives, smiled and laughed and fooled the world. No one knew anything was wrong me with me. When I finally hit my lowest point one night I decided I wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't going to ever be anything but a burden and I was tired, so tired of fighting. I looked normal, people thought I was fine, but standing upright and breathing was a battle everyday. You never really know what is going on in someone's head and just because they seem "normal" or "strong" or "okay" doesn't mean they actually are. Some people are just brilliant mimics who can make you believe they are fine when that is the furthest thing from the truth.
In my tired darkness however, something amazing happened. I got PISSED. I was FURIOUS. I had one of my yelling at the sky moments when I screamed all my pain and frustration to God. Other people got "normal" and "happy". I asked God how me being in this pit brought him any glory. If my entire existence was brought about to edify him, how was loathing myself glorifying? I realized that my pit was not a place of glory. It was a place of darkness and I am a child of light.  I clung to John 10:28-30 which says that no one  can take me from my Father's hand. No one, not even me, or the girl in the mirror that disgusted me. No matter how dark I thought it was, God was with me.
But as comforting as that was, I needed a human person to walk through this with me. I had begun to recognize the lies I believed were truth, but I could not do it alone. My parents listened to me say scary words without flinching. My sister and brother in law gave me a safe place in a storm. My soul sister Elizabeth helped me connect lines and be vulnerable. These people stood with me. These people gave me the courage to talk to doctors, see a therapist and a place to break and have it be okay.
I worked with a therapist for two years and came to the point that I found myself again. I liked me. My darkness receded and I could breathe. It will always be a struggle. There are days that are tinged with darkness. Those days are the days I call on reinforcements because when I am my own enemy, I need other people on my team. That isn't weakness, it is strength. Asking for help is hard. Admitting you can't, is humbling, but necessary.
One thing I realized amidst my struggle is that "normal" and "happy" are subjective. We are supposed to call on Christ for all we need. He is all sufficient, but there are times when his sufficiency is provided through the community to which he calls us. Christ will provide, but sometimes he provides through others. We all want to be strong and have it all together, but we are all weak and fall apart. We are humans on the path to sanctification, but on the path we are all broken. We live in a broken world. God is here, but we are by no means there. We are all going through something that has the potential to be the thing that tips the scales, from manageable to overwhelmed. Community isn't a want, but a need.
 We HAVE to start being vulnerable with each other. We sin, we struggle, we doubt, we fall, we question, we break, we are paralyzed with fear, we are burdened with impossible weight, we feel, we need. It is not that we are not strong in our faith or doubt God, or just need to be better Christians. Everyone, from the person who looks like their life is perfect, your pastor, your rock in the storm, your enemy even, needs someone to stand unshakably in their storm. You have to be willing to let someone look in the dark corners of your pain and you have to be willing to look at someone else's.  I would much rather walk a hard road with someone, than to wonder why and miss them when they are gone.
We are called to bring light to dark places, and depression is nothing if not a dark place. Christ, who is our model, feared the cross and asked for another way. He went alone to the father, but he took his disciples to the garden. There are parts of my struggle that only God and I know, but I let others in my garden. Let someone in your garden. Our burden is not the cross, or the sin of the world, but it is significant. If it matters to you, it matters. You matter. Asking for help is not weakness. If we are called to be the hands and feet of Christ, and called to community, in not asking for help, you are depriving your brothers and sisters of the chance to be what God has equipped them to be. You are strong, but everyone needs help sometimes. Everyone.
Dear friends, I am imperfect, I am inexperienced, I am no different than any of you. My words don't have special power, I am not stronger or better in any way. You have no reason to listen to a 26 year old girl talk about how she used to be depressed. But, please, be honest and vulnerable with someone who can go to God with you on hard days. Please be open to being that person for someone else. We cannot do this alone. Be strong enough to let someone in. You are worth it. You matter.

Head down, get through

Everyday is a miracle, but not everyday is a miracle day. Some days things flow and the kids have breakthroughs, letting go or moving from past pain. Some days they finally have the blow up where they rail against you as hard as they can and see that you aren't leaving them to pick up the pieces alone. Sometimes, you see the light come on as they finally grasp a difficult concept in school, or begin to work toward a goal, or admit they need help. All of these days are miracle days because something changes and progress, even if just in a small way, is made. Then there are days like yesterday where I am frustrated, they are frustrated and we all go to bed hoping to be recharged enough tomorrow to be able to actually have some fight in us. Those days are the days I put my head down and just get through. You can always tell when it is one of these days because you feel it in unit, that something is off. The girls are quiet and tired, waiting for someone to tell them what to do next, and that person has to be an adult who is every bit as tired as they are in that moment. More problems and issues are heaped upon the unit, but the kids aren't ready to look at them yet so you don't force the issue. You have the off day, where you get through routine and make plans and you come back in the next day to see where everything has fallen in the 12 hours you weren't there. Those are the days you wait, and I hate waiting. I want everyday to be a progress day because no matter if my kids are 17 or 7, I have a limited amount of time with them. I want them to make as much progress as possible while with me because I never know when a case worker or some other force much higher up the food chain than I, is going to make the decision that this kid, the one who is so close to getting it, needs to go somewhere else. They could run, make a decision that removes them from my care, or give up. I have seen it happen. I have felt the loss of knowing that this one kid, the one who was given to your care, is beyond your help. It sucks. But kids are not all the same, and while I serve an amazing God who equips us for what he calls us to, I am sometimes given kids I can't help. The only thing I am equipped for in that instance is to let them go. While I haven't abused, hurt, abandoned or terrorized these kids, I can't always be the one to help them either. Sometimes not being the problem is as close to a solution as I am able to be. Yesterday was that day. Nothing was wrong, but nothing got better. While these off days may seem like a welcome break because I am not having to break up fights or stand between an angry kid and a door or looking for the one who is lost, my girls are still carrying around weight they never asked for and are submerged in trauma from someone hurting them along the way. That is the most frustrating thing of all, that they still carry the weight from choices they didn't make. All in all, I still have a job to do today. I am hoping today I get to meet some challenges head on, but if I am to wait again, I'll wait until they are ready to move forward. I might not like being able to see what is in the distance looming closer as I sit, but they might not be ready to jump into the battle yet. So I sit, eyeing the danger, ready to follow their lead when they decide how they want to tackle it, but knowing I can't make these choices for them. I wait and pray for patience, take deep breaths and get through the days.
Friends, I would ask that in these days, the ones of progress and the ones of quiet, you take a moment to pray for my girls. I would not have been able to handle my life without the prayers of those who surrounded me growing up, and I covet your prayers for them. Pray that I am able to help where I can help, and let go of what I can't. Pray that my girls learn to trust the one who made them for a purpose so much greater that their pasts, and pray that every person who makes decisions for my girls is able to clearly hear God's voice as they do.

New Title, New Day

As some of you may have noticed, I have a new blog title! Woo hoo! I am in a new stage of life where I am no longer rambling from the perspective of a college girl, but I am learning lessons from the lockdown unit where I now work. I live life side by side with some amazing co-workers as we try to help the girls who live in my unit. These girls have been abused or neglected resulting in some major behavioral issues. There are some amazing days when the girls are happy, giggling and smiling as we go through our routine. Some days are filled with "I love you miss" and more hugs than I can count. Then there are days like yesterday. On days like those I wish I could grab their hands and physically put them in the presence of Jesus, because me being his hands and feet isn't quite cutting it.

Yesterday one of my girls listened to the lie that she is not enough. I stood between her and the wall so she couldn't smash her head against the concrete. I held her hands so they wouldn't scratch or pinch. I held her face and urged her to focus on me, listen to my voice, stay in the moment. Then I dealt with two other girls in my unit who reached their breaking points, resulting in most of my 9.5 hour work shift being filled with yells and anger and pain. My body hurts, my heart hurts, and after my day off today, I will go back in to start again. I will walk through those doors and try my hardest to be louder than the voice that tells them they can't. I will try to be gentle, so that they can continue to put memories of abuse behind them. I will try to be present, so they aren't reminded of times of neglect. When they are unsafe, or angry, or scared, we will deal with what comes out and start again the next day. This is what I do. But as I walked out of work yesterday, I realized that it is not just my girls who react this way. As I though about how I will walk through those doors Wednesday, I was reminded of how Jesus does all those things for me when I think I will never be able to climb the mountain he has placed me in front of.

We all have a tendency to think we aren't enough. We are all too something to really be useful in the kingdom. I know I have had times when I have heard that voice telling me to stop trying, because I will never make it. It is a lie. We were made by a loving God who has a purpose and plan behind his effort. You were made with intention. My girls were made with intention. I was made with intention, and it is time we all stopped beating ourselves up about the things we believe are wrong with us. God doesn't need perfect, he needs willing. He will perfect us as we grow where we are planted, helping to bring others to fruition along the way. God planned you, made you and delights in you. That is enough, and you are enough. Love yourself, love those around you, and most of all, love God enough to know his voice so that you can hold tight to it in any storm. My girls lash out externally, most of us lash out internally. Both are damaging and painful, one is just harder to see. We all need to stop beating ourselves up, tearing ourselves down and listening to that voice that causes us to stumble and doubt.

This week I would ask you to edify your brothers and sisters in conversation and deed. Lift each other up in prayer. Encourage and love each other as you each walk a road that can sometimes seem impossible. Be present, be kind, and listen to the voice that will guide to through the darkness, not envelop you in it. Be love as you go, to yourself and those around you because every single person you see and meet was made by an incredible God who calls us his own, including the person you see when you look in the mirror.

Crazy days In Kerrville

On April 16 I got an amazing new nephew named Benjamin and could't wait to come to Texas to visit him and celebrate my other precious nephew Jackson's second birthday the first week of May. My sister and I planned it this way so I would get to make the most of the trip from North Carolina to Texas and get to hold him and play with him more when I got here. After that, I was going to fly back to NC to start my new nannying job, and try to make it back down to Texas one more time before meeting them in Washington DC in June before they flew back to Chad to continue their work there. We had a plan, and it was a good one.
Then everything shifted. I started getting messages about how Benjamin was being air-flighted to San Antonio and that there was something wrong. North Carolina had never felt so far away. My visit in May ended up being part birthday celebration, part waiting in the hospital while Benjamin had the first of the three open heart surgeries he will need to survive and thrive. It was then that I realized that going back to NC felt...wrong. So, two months ago today I decided I wanted to move back to Texas. A few weeks later, my dad flew up to NC and loaded everything I own into a u-haul and drove it for two days back to Kerrville while I followed in my car. We then unloaded it all into the apartment my mom created for me in the ground level of their home and I started a new life here.
 I began to try to figure out what life would look like here while everyone adjusted to the new normal. My parents went from having a daughter in Africa and another in NC, to having one in their home, and one a street away. My sister and brother in law went from being missionaries in Africa and parents to one awesome kid, to parents of two amazing boys, one of whom has never been to the home they didn't know they would be staying in here. I went from living with my best friend and being a nanny to making a whole new set of friends in an amazing job working with some amazing kids who challenge me and inspire me to be strong everyday. God has done some crazy things in our lives in the past 3 1/2 months so today I am celebrating.
I am celebrating the fact that my nephew has had a successful second surgery today that will help him be stronger for his next open heart surgery. I am celebrating that I have a dad that, while being a pastor and working to get his doctorate, will come do heavy lifting and drive for over 24 hours to make sure I am where I need to be (seriously though if you see him, give the man a hug or a high five because that drive was a bear and he was a champ!) I am celebrating the fact that I have a mother who makes a home for me wherever she is and cheers me on in the newness. I am celebrating the fact that I have an amazing sister and brother in law who have shown me how to adjust on the fly while worshipping God in the midst of confusion and pain. I am celebrating the fact that Benjamin has an amazing big brother in Jackson who is learning and growing in exciting ways everyday. I am celebrating all my friends and family who have been on their knees for my family during this time. We feel your prayers and you are making a difference. Thank you thank you for all you have done, are doing, and will do.
This is not where I expected to be at all. Last summer I couldn't picture my life being here and now I can't picture it being anywhere else. If I can tell you one thing that God has proved to me thus far in my 25 years of life it is that, though he may shake and shift the ground you walk upon, he never lets you go. I hope that comforts you in the days to come as many of you are experiencing newness as well. Let me know how I can support you in the days to come and please continue to pray for our sweet Benjamin. If you want more information on him and don't follow them already, check out Mandi and Jake's blog at http://www.thekelleysinafrica.blogspot.com

Let's talk about...

            We are constantly getting messages from the world and people around us.  In a time when it has been estimated that upwards of 2/3 of communication is non-verbal, there is a very real chance that you communicated something to someone today without even realizing it. Magazines and other media scream out their guidelines for how to be a better you from every checkout line, computer, television and radio while the standards of the world are ever evolving what it means to be “normal”.  With so many different communicators, from mass media to strangers, I think we are living in a time when intentional communication with the generations coming along behind us is a must. If we aren’t able to clearly communicate with them, even about things that might be hard to talk about or uncomfortable to say out loud, the only messages they will get are from sources who don’t know them as anything other than an age range and gender they are trying to sell a product to. One of these somewhat uncomfortable messages that must be communicated differently is how we are addressing the issue of sexuality and relationships to young men and women. 

            I grew up in church hearing the true love waits message and went to a school that required me to take health classes with scary pictures and horribly acted videos. Both of these forums were supposed to teach me that sex, while beautiful, was never to be taken casually, and I, as a girl, would never be the same after having sex. Church told me to wait for marriage and school told me everything bad that could possibly happen to me if I had sex before becoming a responsible adult. The message somehow got tied to my self worth as I was told over and over that my virginity (or lack thereof) was a gift that could only be given once and if I made a mistake, it would hurt my future husband and family someday.  Just for fun, see if you can finish this popular saying “no one wants to buy the cow if they are…”, my bet is you knew how that phrase ends.  Not only does it make me a farm animal, but it relays the message that no one will want me if I am “easy” or promiscuous.

            I also learned in church that it was my job to make it easier on the boys I was around because their ability to stay pure was contingent on my ability to not be tempting. There was a very “boys will be boys” attitude in that it was a given that they would want to have sex, but we, as girls, should say no and dress in ways that made it easy for them to think in pure ways. So now, not only do I have to guard my own purity in fear of God’s wrath and being the unpicked cow, I am responsible for the thoughts of the boys and men around me. That is a lot of pressure for a 14 year old.

            Then comes the other side of the message. While school is showing me scary disease pictures, and church is putting the weight of the sexual world on my shoulders, media is telling me sex is fun and I can only be pretty if I am exposed. Almost every show on television or magazine cover will depict what it looks like to be pretty and normal and fun by showing us the casual nature of sex today and what body part it is fashionable to expose this season. In one area I am being told that sex is evil until the right time, and in another I am being told it is a normal part of life that isn’t such a big deal.  These messages directly conflict each other.

            The messages that don’t conflict however are that both church and the media are touting the flag of coupledom. “Singles shaming” had become a real thing in that both the church and world wonder what is wrong with you if you are single past a certain age. For me, it started once I was about 19. Suddenly people seemed disappointed in the fact that I was single and started to wonder what was wrong with me. I had people, who I am sure meant well, tell me they were glad I “finally grew out of my awkward phase” so now I could “hopefully land a man”, or ask me, in all seriousness “who hurt you?” or “why do you hate men?” all because I was suddenly a single adult.  So now I have to “catch” a man or I am deemed worthless while also protecting my purity and the purity of every man that sees me in word and thought and deed while also competing with the standards the world around me has placed on me by telling the men I am supposed to catch that I am only considered beautiful and fun if I look and act a certain way. I am supposed to know how to be alluring up to the line but never cross it.

            Now, I am bad at math, but this equation does not seem to add up to me at all.  Instead of validating our young men and women, this seems to instead create an environment of secrecy where we just don’t talk honestly about what is going on in our lives. This environment has played into the fact that many of the girl friends I grew up with have been sexually assaulted or raped by men and boys who look nothing like a thug in an alleyway. If you tell a girl that she is supposed to be alluring and pure for the sake of her self worth and the purity of every male she comes in contact with, it is an impossible standard that sets her up for failure. We have to change the way we are presenting this.

            If I have a daughter someday, this is what I want to be able to convey to her:

1.     She is a beautiful, worthy, and purposed child of God.

2.     She is on no ones timeline but God’s.  Being a girlfriend doesn’t make me or God love her any more or less than being single.

3.     She is responsible for herself and only herself. She cannot control the thoughts and actions of those around her, only her responses to them.

4.     We all mess up and make mistakes, but these mistakes don’t make us worthless.

5.     She can talk to me about anything, anywhere, anytime. If the world is in constant communication with her, I will be as well.

            If I have a son someday, this is what I want to be able to convey to him:

1.     He is a beautiful, worthy, and purposed child of God.

2.     He is on no ones timeline but God’s. Being a boyfriend doesn’t make me or God love him any more or less than being single.

3.     He is responsible for himself and only himself. He cannot control the thoughts and actions of those around him, only his responses to them.

4.     We all mess up and make mistakes, but these mistakes don’t make us worthless.

5.     He can talk to me about anything, anywhere, anytime. If the world is in constant communication with him, I will be as well.

            See how they are the same? I am not making the boys responsible for protecting the girls or the girls responsible for guarding the boys, I am asking them to be responsible for themselves, which is hard enough. I am asking them to know themselves and understand how loved and valued they are by God and find their self worth in the fact that they were created. I am asking them to be honest about their struggles and opening a dialogue that will hopefully give my daughter the strength to say no to, and my son not to ask for, things they are not ready for. I am hopefully allowing children to be children, and asking adults to be adults.

            As an adult now, I need to be willing to sit through a conversation that might make me uncomfortable. I need to be willing to look at the world and see what is being communicated to those who are coming behind me and be saying just as much. I need to be willing to lead the conversation that tells young girls that they are worthy of love. Period. No cows involved, and they need to know God and themselves above all else. Boys can wait until they are ready to encounter them. I need to be willing to take the confusion out of the multiple messages being presented and not put pressure on them and leave them in the midst of the chaotic swirl of what sexuality and relationships mean. I need to be present and vocal and understanding, and so do you. Think of those in your circle this week who need to hear your voice and how to best convey love and understanding to them and then take active measures to make sure they hear you. There are many different ways to love someone, and your true love to them doesn’t have to wait.

What Bible are you reading?

Ok. Truth talk time. Today I am a little bit upset. This morning I got yet another text linking me to an article about a Christian "leader" of our times being shady in his business and personal dealings. It seems that almost every time I turn on my computer I am slammed with another story about someone claiming to be doing God's work warping the message for their own profit, or using the message as a spear to pierce those they view as different from themselves. For some reason, these leaders wake up everyday and instead of putting on the belt of truth and the breastplate of righteousness, put on the suit of hypocrisy and the tie of judgement and say it is the same thing. In looking at their brothers and sisters and calling them unworthy, they are not only harming those around them but themselves as well.

When Jesus came he built a great empire with a magnificent building and preached the message that if you came to him, you would be comfortable and prosperous and that you would then have the right to lord the sins of others over their heads while condemning them. Oh...wait...scratch that. He didn't. Yet, all around me I see people who have claimed to speak for me and my ideals, who have platforms that reach more people than I ever will, being unapologetic in their judgement of those around them. I see them passing themselves off as emperors of their own little empires where they breed ideals I can never seem to find in the bible I read. To these leaders, I offer a word of caution. Jesus could have easily come as the conqueror and made himself an empire which knew no bounds, but instead he formed a group of transient people and gave them the message to go spread the message of love. Jesus never had a massive building or 200 programs to make good little christians feel better while excluding the rest of the world; no, he went to the rest of the world and loved them as we are commanded to do.

For the rest of us, we should look at these leaders with caution. They have become this way because there is no one around them who can keep them accountable for their actions. We all need to have friends around us who will speak hard truths to us. When I am not loving those around me, or when I start passing judgement on someone because they are different than I am, I am sinning and I need someone to step up and tell me. We all need that. The Church needs that. We should never need to apologize for our faith or add the caveat "but I'm not like that" when talking to people around us about God and their perception of him. We have allowed the way the world views the Church to become a hindrance to our message. How are people supposed to believe that God will welcome them into the gates of Heaven, when we won't welcome them inside the doors of our churches? I am taking the Romans 14 view to life. (Romans 14) I hope you will take it with me. I hope you can look at the world around you and see that your sovereign God created it ALL and has a purpose for it ALL and wants you to find a way to love ALL his children, not just the ones who look like you. Take back the message of love from those who have warped it and reach out to those who are hurting.