Helping Helpers / Burden of Communication

We all have different coping skills. One of mine is K-pop. Sometimes after being called every name in the book, it is nice to disappear into another language and culture for a minute. Today one of the singers in a group that shuffles onto my playlist pretty frequently committed suicide. My happy little colorful world was a little darker today. In looking at the responses one stuck out to me because it was repeated so often; "He helped me feel better on my dark days." People couldn't seem to fathom that someone who helped them, could need help. 

I    see this idea repeated at work all the time. The ones who are most often responding to the call for help, have their calls for help ignored. If someone seems strong on the outside, it doesn't mean they feel strong on the inside. Often times the people responding to the struggles of others the fastest aren't doing so because the possess some innate strength, or are untouched by the horror around them. They are responding and reaching out because they understand the urgency. It is easy to recognize the pain in others when it is echoed in your face every time you look in a mirror. 

We see this repeated over and over in the circles we travel. Pastors, parents, teachers, singers, actors, athletes, young, old, men and women all struggle with unseen burdens that sometimes cause them to make drastic choices. 

During this season of celebration, don't forget to check in with people around you. I    don't mean make sure you get them a present with a big shiny bow, I    mean look them in the eye and listen to what they are trying to tell you. Give the gift of being intentional and supportive. Check on the person who always checks on everyone else. Check in on the friend who always seems to know when something is wrong. Make sure that you are seeing and hearing those around you that you love. Help the helpers. 

The flip side of this is that depression makes you want to hide. Those of you who struggle or have struggled with this darkness know that it is isolating and alienating. It can be so easy to think that you are crying out for help, or question how no one sees your pain and use the supposed ignorance of others as another wall to hide behind. I    used to sit up at night and question how no one knew I    was drowning, or how no one could see my pain. Then I    took a communication class and the professor would always stress that the burden of communication was on the communicator. I       can't say something one time and expect you to understand it seven times. If I    want you to understand I    have to keep communicating until you do. 

Luckily for me, I     had people understand me. But I    still have to remind myself all the time that I      can't express things once and leave it be. Keep going until you are understood. It is hard, and can seem impossible, but as someone who has been in the darkness, I    can tell you it is worth it to make sure you are heard. If you are your own worst enemy and it seems like you can't get up, there is no shame in asking for help. And if someone doesn't understand, keep trying. It is worth it and so are you. 

As you celebrate the Savior who came to us in the most vulnerable package possible this season, remember to be vulnerable with those around you. Support them in love. Communicate and listen. 

Me too.

I've debated writing this over and over again. Does my experience count? Do my words matter? Is my story important? And then I thought about how I would feel if someone I loved experienced what I have and it stopped being a debate, and the process of putting my heart and thoughts into words began.
I still remember the first time I felt like an object. I was in middle school and I had "developed" a little faster than most of the other girls in my grade. A group of boys was going around and popping the bra straps of girls in the hallways between classes. Before I fully understood what was happening,  it was my turn. Having someone pop my bra would have been uncomfortable enough, but this boy somehow unhooked my bra. I crossed my arms and went to the bathroom, face red and eyes blurred to fix my clothes. Then I went to class.
I always gave my mom the "bad boy report" after school, tattling on the boys in my class for being rude or weird, but I didn't include that incident in the report. I didn't tell anyone, somehow internalizing it as being my fault for developing quickly.
While that was the first time I felt like a thing instead of a person, it was by no means the last. Somehow, being an unattached woman in college and now means that I am in some way seen as deficient. While walking into the store by myself I have been told "Baby I'll take care of you if you take care of me" with a gesture I'm sure you can imagine attached. I just put my head down and walked a little faster, red faced yet again. I've had boys in college classes have a conversation about me, in front of me, about how since I didn't put in "effort" to look nice for class at 8:00 am, I must put in "effort" in the bedroom. Yet again, I didn't say anything and tried to shrink down and be invisible. Once on a plane I felt someone staring at me and turned from the window to see the man in the seat next to me staring blatantly at my chest. I stared back eyebrows raised until he looked at my face. He then smiled, shrugged, and went right back to staring. There was little I could do except shift away from him, cross my arms and go back into my bubble, enduring it for the next hour and a half we had together. I've had strangers pull me in for hugs, or put their hands in my back pockets, suggest how they could make things more interesting for me, suggest how I should dress or what parts of my body I should emphasize. Ive been groped in crowds, not even knowing who it was and more than once, had to push someone off my person who seemed to believe I "wanted it". It seems as if many men feel like they get to comment on my life and choices as I am not already "claimed" by one.
But I am still one of the lucky ones. I am one of the only women I know without a sexual assault story. While I have been harassed, embarrassed, and uncomfortable, I haven't been raped. And this makes me in the vast minority of women I know. There is something about being used or looked at as an object that makes you feel covered in shame. I know I have had the thoughts "Well I am walking alone" or "Well I am wearing make up today" as if that somehow means that the comments, gestures and stares can be excused or justified. The guilt from these situations is almost always immediately internalized because there must be some reason why someone acted that way. There had to have been reason for someone to think that I would accept their actions towards me.
But it isn't a compliment. It isn't flattering and it isn't invited. Yes means yes, and no means no, but both are answers to a question that isn't being asked. There is a liberty that is being taken because I am a woman. Because I am woman, some men feel like they can say and act in certain ways without first getting my consent. What is truly frightening is that these men exist everywhere and until I sat down and really thought about it, I didn't think I had a story to tell. I have wonderful men in my life who did everything I can possibly think of while I was growing up to help me have a good sense of self. I know I am created for a purpose by a God who loves me and wants my good. I know right from wrong and that my voice matters and that I am entitled to personal boundaries, and this still happens to me. So yes, unfortunately, me too. But hopefully, because we are staring a dialogue now, in the future, we can say not them.

Testing Testing 123

The way that I cope with life is to try to find the lesson or life-skill that can be gleaned from every circumstance. As someone who has struggled with depression and self-worth, the thing that saved me was coming to the realization that though I wasn't created for this, I could learn from it. God can use even the shattered pieces of me, and sometimes that I all I have to offer. It is incredibly freeing to know that I don't have to be anything specific, I only have to be, and God will mold the rest.

After my last post however, I felt like I lost my voice. The child I was hoping not to lose, I lost. I walked into work one day to find that she was now gone, removed from my care and passed along to the next level of a broken system. My heart broke and I waited for the lesson. Then I got caught in the emotional riptide and wave after wave crashed over me. People I trusted were lying to me, people I loved were being terrible to each other, and people I respected suddenly were behaving in ways I couldn't understand. So, as introverts do, I retreated into my safe shell and kept my mouth shut. 

But I am not created for my shell. So here is my lesson. I am not taking my toys and going home. I am going to continue to use my voice for things I believe in, even when I feel like no one is listening. So here are the things I have been wanting to say. 

1. I have friends who are liberal and conservative, homosexual and homophobic, religious and atheist, old and young, male and female, black, white, brown and all shades in-between. Guess what? You all matter. Every single stinking one of you. Even if I don't know you, but you exist in the world somewhere, you matter. Whether I agree with you or not, you are valuable because God assigns your worth and I am called to love you. Why on earth can't we have discussions where we can agree to disagree in love? Why do we only seem to love the neighbors that look and think and act like us? Have convictions, opinions, thoughts and fears, but remember why we are here. Love already won. God is in control. Take a breath, take a beat and then try to remember that you were put on this earth as an ambassador for Christ...to ALL those He created. 

2. There is no shame in saying you don't know something. My girls look to me for answers all the time from big life issues, to math homework questions. Sometimes I have no clue what to say, but I can always work to find an answer. I have seen so many people on Facebook and other platforms posting complete and utter lies with such conviction. There is so much fear and hate spread around because people don't take time to research or reflect before they respond. Sometimes it is better to ask why someone believes something than to just jump in with why they are wrong. Just because you are an adult doesn't mean that you have to have an opinion about everything. Life is a learning process, and admitting that you aren't an expert in every subject known to man is not an failure. I am terrible at math, cannot gauge time well, don't know what to do in social situations and about a million other things, but that is okay. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are imperfect or uninformed. We are all imperfect and we are lucky enough to live in an age where information is just a keystroke away. 

3. Community community community. I cannot stress this one enough. We all need people in our lives who embrace us when we are down, challenge us when we are weak, love us when we are broken, and are willing to break us when we are doing damage. We cannot do this alone. Find people who can stand under the weight of your words and be willing to stand under theirs. Find people brave enough to stand beside you as you fight, but will also stand in your way when you are heading in the wrong direction. Embrace the differences in each other because none of them are more important than what we have in common. Stand together, even when divided, because you know that nothing is more important than truly saving a world that is lost. 

So there it is. My voice is back, I am on my feet and ready to engage in battle once more. May you all find compassion, conviction and community as you fight your own.