Thankfulness

Today was Thanksgiving. It is a day that most spend surrounded by family or friends at a table filled with great food, laughter, and shared memories and experience. My girls are a little different. They spend holidays like today longing for the family they are no longer with, or dreaming of the family they could have. It is hard to have a staff and not a mom today. I can try my hardest, but I am always only Miss Amy. Some days that distinction doesn't hit very hard, but I was expecting it to hit home today.
For one it was the day I expected it to be. She pushed back and was overcome by big emotions. Her day was spent ranting and railing against people who aren't within reach, striking out instead at the ones who did show up today. It is hard to be hard on those behaviors when behind the defiance is an abandoned child. I had to look at the defiance at face value and make sure that, even though she was hurting, we didn't undo so many weeks of hard work by coddling a tantrum. That is a hard line and I had to tap out at some points. I am thankful for the team I have behind me that can come in and take over when I need to step away.
For a few of them, it was a normal day with more food. They played normally, and helped around the unit with daily tasks. At lunch it was fun to watch them pick what they wanted to eat instead of being given a plate of food that has already been made for them. They get little choice in this life of theirs, so seeing them realize they could have seconds or just eat mashed potatoes and green bean cassarole was hilarious. They would walk over to the dishes and raise the serving spoon like someone was going to tell them no. I assured them over and over it was fine and they could eat whatever they wanted as long as they were't going to pop from eating too much.
One of my little ones though,  was my shining moment today. She struggles even listening to Christmas music because she cries and wants to go home. I was worried about her today, but she watched the parade without issue and then came the big test of eating our Thanksgiving feast. She was talking and laughing with the rest of them. I remained worried about her until a little bit later when she was riding her bike around outside. She had a soft smile on her head and her bike helmet was slightly askew. I went over to her to help her fix it and heard her singing a little song under her breath. As i got closer I could make out the words. She was singing "Pecan pie, pecan pie, we are gonna eat pecan pie. Yummy yummy pecan pie." I fixed her helmet and watched her ride around still singing her little song. When we went inside and she actually got the pie she did a little dance and said "Miss today is my favorite." I asked what about the day was her favorite and she told me "I am all full and happy"
Well folks, that did it. That is what I am thankful for. I am thankful that a child got to be a child and for a happy pecan pie dance and song. Life may be hard, and there is a huge obstacle in front of them, but today, she was happy and I am thankful for that.

Life in the Bubble

Sometimes we all need a little perspective. It can be so easy to become consumed with the little bubbles we live in and forget the outside world. My girls and their issues become all I think about as I sleep, breathe and live the unit. My worldview shrinks and my reference point becomes what does and doesn't work for the eight girls I work with. They are important, and I love my job, but they aren't my entire life. I had a wonderful reminder of that as I got to step outside my bubble and travel to Mississippi to see my Mississippi people and watch one of the most influential people in my life get married last week.
I was surrounded by people who didn't need me to de-escalate them. Children had tantrums and no one looked at me to solve it. No one tried to run away, no one got physical, and no one needed me to medicate, feed, tutor, or keep them on a routine. I was an adult, with other adults, and everyone was happy. It was the oddest feeling. The world continued on in the unit without me, and I was able to take a break and realize that the outside world still exists and welcomes me when I have the time to encounter it. I reconnected with friends, made some new ones, ate great food, laughed until I cried, had my breath taken away by beauty, and stood in the company of great men and women. I saw Elizabeth gazing at Matthew as she walked down the aisle to join her life with his. I saw Matthew's giddy grin when they were pronounced man and wife. I was reminded that relationships are not all dysfunctional and warped.
Stepping outside my bubble gave me better perspective once I returned to "normal" life. I had recharged and taken time to refocus my energies and attitude. Everything wasn't horrible and stressful, I had just been in the world and seen beauty. My girls weren't all I had to think about or focus on, as I was reminded of all the people I have who love me and are there when I need them. My world was better focused because I had something to balance it.
I also got another perspective. While I was in Mississippi preparing for a wedding, I took a minute to check the news and learned of the attacks on Paris. I was reminded that my worldview needed to include the world. My small bubble was not the only one I was called to impact in some way. Terrorists commit heinous acts everyday in countries who are classified as "war-torn" or "third world" and we don't feel rocked to our core because we are desensitized and busy. But Paris struck a chord and we were reminded that safety is not a guarantee and our comfort zones are not our mission fields.
My job is important, but it is not the only one I have. I am called to bring Christ to those who seek him, no matter what they look like.
I logged into Facebook with caution, knowing some friends would be able to show Christ-like compassion, and some would have taken the opportunity to suit up in their judges robes. I was not surprised by what I saw. Some friends have taken the time to try to learn how to love those who look different while others have grown comfortable in their towers from which they look upon the rabble. I decided to mix the beauty with the ashes and attempt to see both for what they were in the hopes that I was seeing clearly.
I needed, and was given, perspective. There is beauty and terror in the world where we live. My job is important, but not my entire life and reason for living. I have been called to be here, but not only here. Rest and work, sorrow and joy, quiet and noise, we all need balance. As you figure out where you stand in the days and weeks to come, I hope you are able to find the beauty, see the truth of the terror and widen your scope so that your perspective can be more like that of Christ.

Boundaries

Most of my girls have a problem saying four letter words that they should not say. We try to combat that with  some other four letter words, love and time. This week however, we encountered a four letter word that made me want to scream the four letter words they get consequences for using. This week we had to deal with...the dreaded infestation of...lice. As we scrambled to check every girl's head, we then turned to the dreaded task of checking each other's hair. My coworker patiently checked my hair in sections and then informed me that she was slightly positive she may or may not have seen a shadow of something. That was enough for me to get treated and saran wrap my head while chemicals hopefully killed whatever she did or did not see. As coworkers snapped pictures of my alien head,  I tried to find the humor in the situation. Of course the one day I was too lazy to put my hair up after my shower would be the day we find lice. Of course the girls who had it would be the ones I had consoled and hugged the day before as they had emotional issues. I got off lightly, as after my saran wrapped chemical experience, I was deemed to be clean. I made an essential oil mixture and bought special shampoo just in case, but I got off lightly compared to what it could have been.

Later in the week I wanted to (and did) say those words I shouldn't say again when I realized one of my girls had played me and run away. I am imperfect and thought my spidey sense was tingling all day, I connected the dots about a minute too late and she made it out the door. Since it was dark outside when she ran, they were still looking for her when I left work. I felt a huge weight on my chest. I came home angry at her for abusing my trust, but mostly angry at myself because I should have know better and seen it coming. I had a feeling between wanting to burst into tears, punch something, and throw up until I got a text message around midnight saying she had been found safe and was back where she needed to be. The next morning walking into work was hard. I didn't know whether I wanted to yell at her, or hug her and cry. I realized then my emotions were running the show and I needed to let my head take the reigns. 

A few years ago I realized that I had terrible boundaries. I came to realize this after no less that five different people recommended the book Boundaries to me. (If you haven't read it, you need to! Super helpful, Cloud and Townsend, check it out.) I came to the conclusion that I cannot help anyone when I am too tired or drained to care. That book made me do some evaluating and changing in my life, prioritizing myself and what I need. It isn't selfish to make sure that I am okay, it is necessary. It is something I have to check from time to time though, as not taking the time to care for myself is a very easy habit to fall back into. 

Looking at my runaway this week, I realized I had been neglecting my boundaries. Much like the lice that infected my unit, without care or check to their infestation, I had allowed other people's emotions and issues to infest my life. I had neglected myself and was headed toward the place of being burnt out. I care, and will always care about the emotions of those around me; but caring and carrying are very different things. If there was emotional infestation shampoo, I needed it. Instead, I went inside myself and inspected my mental walls, filling the gaps and patching the holes. I said no when I needed to say no. Instead of trying to play a game with one of my girls who wanted me to play, I was honest about needing to do paperwork. I didn't let my runaway dump her emotions on me, instead tapping in others who can help. I shared the load. Everything got done and I when I left for the day, I left the emotions of the day behind. When I got home, I focused on what I needed and wanted. I rested. 

I am still tired. We are so short staffed right now it is ridiculous. (Seriously if you know anyone who wants to work with some pretty cool children at a youth ranch in Kerrville Texas let me know.) I am trying to show these kids that someone loves them and point them toward Christ, but I am no good to anyone if I am burnt out and emotionally drained. I have to take time for me, even if only in small ways. I am so excited to get to go see my soul sister get married this week (*happy dance*). I am not sure I remember how to have conversations with people who aren't emotionally disturbed, but I am going to dust off my social skills and give it a go. I was so glad to get to hug my sister and hold my nephews this week. I have a dinner date with my mom and am going to get to hug my dad before I go to the wedding. I am going to get 5 whole days without having to contain or de-escalate. I am going to re-charge. 

This week remember that while you are important, the fate of the world does not rest in your hands alone. Take time to make sure you are okay. Do something for yourself. Check your boundaries. While you can and should care, don't carry the emotions of others. Charge your batteries so that you can continue the work to which you are called. Don't fight needless battles for ambiguous reasons, instead focus on where you hear God's voice. Don't waste emotion on things that ultimately don't impact the Kingdom or you in any real way. Take rest, say no, and practice some self care. Your health matters. 

Heartbeat Pat

There are moments where I wonder why on earth I choose to work where I do. There are tantrums I can't de-escalate, past trauma I can't even imagine, attitude like you wouldn't believe and aggression that can come out of nowhere. Some days I leave the unit and wonder if I have accomplished anything at all or if I am just a glorified babysitter for these kids until someone comes along who can really help them. When those moments come, God has been gracious enough to give me moments of clarity. A child will say something, or do something, that makes it clear that I am exactly where I need to be.

There is a little one in my unit now that we call Tidbit. She is seven but my three year old nephew Jackson gives her a run for her money in the size department. She is so little that you can barely see her over the counter when she is standing next to it. She has an infectious giggle, gives great hugs, will choose a cheese sandwich over any other food and can scream for an entire day. We know this because she once had a screaming tantrum for an entire day. On her first day in my unit she had a tantrum. It is always hard when they have an issue the first day because we don't know how to help them yet. That day she was crying and screaming and I could't make out what she was trying to tell me. I reached over and began to pat her back in a heartbeat pattern. She collapsed into my side and calmed down enough to talk to me. The issue was far from over, but at least now she could talk instead of just wailing.The next day when she was screaming, one of our Program Coordinators tried the same method and she fell asleep, waking up in a much better mood. She had been tired and not know how to tell anyone. The heartbeat pat became a way to let her know she was safe, to help her calm down and to help her fall back asleep when night terrors woke her up. She got to where she would ask to "hug it out" when she was getting mad or upset instead of just screaming. She still has the fits, but they aren't as long or as frequent anymore. 

Sunday I went to Chapel with my girls. We are lucky enough to have a place where they have freedom to express themselves with others who understand who they are and what they have gone through since we have a chapel on ranch, but there are still some behavioral limits. One of mine was using the stage like a drum, another one was staring at the boys, and another one was using praise and worship time as conversation hour. These girls have all been with me long enough to know when they get the "look" they need to stop, so thankfully we didn't have to make a scene. I thought the moment passed without recognition, but Tidbit had been sitting next to me. She saw me monitoring everyone else and shifted closer to me. I leaned down, thinking she wanted to tell me something, but she placed her tiny little hand on my back and started heartbeat patting me, still singing the praise song as she did. She continued to pat my back for the next song and then waved me down to her. She looked at me, bright smile on her face, and said "better miss?". I assured her that she had helped me greatly and thanked her for taking care of me. She smiled and said "you do it for us". We then sat and listened to the message side by side and went about our day. 

The rest of the day did not go entirely smoothly, but no day does. When something hiccuped, I thought about Tidbit, knowing something we were doing was right. Everyday since then I find myself a couple times during the day thinking about that little hand, reaching up to me, offering the tool that helps her when she thought I might need it. Does a heartbeat pat soothe me? Not really. But her thinking about whether or not I was okay is something I cherish. Sometimes we don't have the right tool to offer, or words to say, but all that really matters is the effort. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to try, and suddenly things start to look a little brighter, the world a little better, because someone took the time to pour into you in some small way. Tidbit gave me a gift and it is one I will always look back on as one of those moments when God spoke to me and confirmed that where I am is where I need to be. 

What ifs, what is and the Great I Am

Honestly this one has taken me awhile to write. A few weeks ago I got an up close and personal look at how quickly a decision someone makes can impact their life forever. One of my girls got mad, unwilling or unable to listen to anything we said, she made some choices that I wish I could have saved her from. I know life moves quickly, but this one gave me whip lash.
I found myself in an endless cycle of what ifs. What if I had moved faster? What if I had said something different? What if she had taken a minute? They were endless and debilitating because they didn't do anything but make me doubt and worry. I was stuck in a cycle looking for an answer to a problem that had already been taken out of my hands and I could in no way impact anymore. I spent time and energy trying to change something that was as impossible for me to change.
Then I heard the still small whisper I had been trying to ignore telling me to walk away from the what ifs and rest in what is. I needed to step away from the unknown and rest in what was actually happening. Yes, one of my girls made a terrible choice, but I had seven more to focus on who needed me to see them, where they were and how they were in that moment. I have a job to do that requires me to accept the facts of a person, see them for who they are and help try to shape them into who they can be. I can't change the past, but I can help give them the tools to leave it there. I tried to focus on the now, and the here, and the girls I still worked with everyday.
But my heart mourned the loss of the one who didn't understand that the moment of anger would have such a lasting impact. I tried to move past it, but I felt as if there was still something I needed to do for her. Honestly I was angry at her for making the choices she made, but I felt this overwhelming sense of loss as well. I was disappointed in her, but also in the system that failed her. I was saddened by her choices and enraged at the people who came before me that showed her how to make those poor decisions. I was angry with myself for not getting there in time and having to see people I love get hurt because I wasn't close enough to stand in front of them. It was a confusing tornado of emotions. I cried out to the only one who can handle all of me, and that was when I understood what I needed to do for the one I lost. I needed to give her to God.
I can be removed from the lives of the kids I work with rather easily. All it takes is a caseworker or judge to come in and say they would be better off somewhere else or in a different program structure. They can make decisions that remove them from my care. But God never leaves them. I needed to actively be in prayer for the one who was lost to me, but never lost to Him. God never left her, even when she left me. I pray that someone out there shows her kindness, that she is able to learn the lessons she couldn't grasp with us, and that someone cares for her. I know statistics and research are not on my side, and that in all likelihood she will end up in prison or her kids will be in the system some day, maybe both. But I can still pray to the God who holds her in his hands and heart. That is how I best help her.
When I get lost in the what ifs, I focus on what is, and God is in control. I don't carry that weight around with me anymore. Now I move forward, trying a little harder to listen to that still small whisper and rest in what is actually happening around me in the moment, reacting and responding in ways that hopefully point those around me toward the one we all need most. I am learning how to hold on and when to let go, what to carry and what to put down. It is not easy, but it is a necessary lesson to learn if I am going to be of any use where I am. Please pray for me as I learn this and pray for the team I work with everyday as they meet these situations with me. I would also encourage you to  examine your lives as you go. If you are living in the what ifs, I encourage you to focus on what is, and let God be in control of the rest. Visiting what-ifs-ville can be fun sometimes, but make sure you aren't a permanent resident.

Dishonesty

I remember the day that I learned the world was not an honest place. It was in March during my 2^nd grade year of elementary school. I was having a tea party birthday and I was allowed to invite some of my friends. I was so excited. A girl in my class came up to me and told me she would be bringing her babysitter to my birthday party because her babysitter was so much cooler than I was and that was the only way my lame party would be any fun. I was so confused because not only was her babysitter not invited, she hadn’t been either. 

This classmate and I had never really gotten along and I was shocked that she even knew I was having a party, much less had planned on coming. I told her she wasn’t invited and moved on with my day, never imagining I had hurt her feelings in any way. Then came our after lunch bathroom break.I was standing at the sink washing my hands when I saw her in the mirror behind me. She gave me an odd smile, and then raised her right hand in the air, bringing it down with a loud “smack” on her left arm. 

I was puzzling over why on earth someone would do that when she ran out of the bathroom crying. The next thing I knew, my teacher was coming in the bathroom telling me how disappointed she was that I would hit someone. It took me a second to comprehend what she was saying. I tried to convince her of my innocence, but the handprint on my classmate’s arm was all she needed. I then got my first and only color change in my entire elementary school career.

My clothespin got moved from the green square all the way to the red one, no stop at yellow. I stared at that clothespin so many times for the rest of that day. It didn’t belong on in the red square. I hadn’t done anything. That girl had lied. My whole world was rocked by the concept that people could lie and get away with it, while innocent people had to deal with the consequences. For the children I work with, this is not a concept they are unfamiliar with. They come to me knowing that people can lie and get away with it. They know that people can hurt them and get away with it. They know the world isn’t honest.

Their introduction to this fact is not always as easy as mine was. Moving my clothespin that day in no way gave me lasting consequences. My mom believed me when I told her what happened, and the next day when I walked back into my classroom, the clothespin was back in the green where it belonged. I "suffered" from a person's dishonesty for an afternoon, my girls suffer for much longer than that. 

Because of that, we make it a point not to lie to them. So many people think that because they have been hurt in the past, the best thing for them is to say "yes" to everything you possibly can and give them whatever they want. It isn't. I make a point, as do my co workers, to try to be as honest as possible with them. 

"If you continue to fight people over every small issue, you will be charged with assault and go to jail when you are 18." "If you keep stealing things, you will not be a person who can be trusted and lose friends, if not also go to jail." "If you keep running away, there is always a possibility that we won't be the first ones to find you, and I would hate for you to be found by someone who doesn't want what is good for you." 

These are all things I have said this week. I could hug them and tell them that because they have been hurt the world will give them a free pass, but that is a lie. Instead I hug them and tell them they have to be better than their past and that I am there to help them with the monumental task of building a life for themselves. They know when they have hurt my feelings, because they need to learn that emotions can be felt without a negative response. They know when I have a headache, because they need to know that a small issue doesn't give you an excuse to not go to work. They know when I am disappointed because they need to know I think they have more potential than they are showing. Honesty might not always be fun, but it is necessary. 

My girls are working on it. They are trying to overcome the lies they have been told. "You are worthless", "Everybody does it", "No one will believe you", "You owe me", "You made me do it" and so many other hurtful lies are words I want to help them move from so they can believe things like, "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you", "You are better than your past mistakes", You matter", "You are loved". Pray for them as they seek to replace lies with the truth and build their lives on a foundation that cannot be shaken. I pray you are able to be honest in your lives this week as well as you impact the circles God has put before you. It might not always be easy, but it is worth it. 

some days you gotta dance

I learned the value of a good dance party in college. I lived with a girl who has rhythm in her soul. Elizabeth and I would bop in the car, dance around the kitchen and watched every horrible dance movie ever made. I began to value the beauty of untrained and unrestrained motion to a beat. Letting go of any pride I had over not looking "cool" or "talented" and letting my oddly both on, and off beat motions become a cathartic release is something I will always cherish Elizabeth for teaching me. It was an invaluable lesson today.
This week I had two new girls move to my unit. They are the youngest children I have ever worked in this capacity with. I now have girls who are as many as eleven years apart in my care. Neither one of my new ones has ever been housed in a unit like mine. They are having a little trouble adjusting to not being in the only places they have ever known as home.
For the past two days, I have spent the vast majority of my 13 hour shifts with these children yelling and screaming at me. My knees are bruised from kneeling on our hard floor so that they can hear me when I speak, and they know I am listening to them. I have had to be hard with them, saying no for all the adults who neglected them and let them get away with terrible destructive habits. I am teaching them basic life skills while struggling to find the answers to the questions "why do I have to do what you say" and "who is gonna feed my mom if I am not there" and "why can't I go home". I am physically and emotionally drained.
Today, after tantrum #4 from one, and #6 for the other, I was sitting at the counter trying to get some of the massive pile of paperwork each tantrum entails done. Then I realized I was humming a song. I found it on my phone and pressed play. It is a favorite of one of my girls, so I called her over to me so she could hear it. She closed her eyes, threw up her hands and began to sway. My co-worker and I looked at each other and smiled. She hooked up the song to play over our sound system, restarted it,  cut out the main light, grabbed our little dancer's hand and headed for the middle of the room. As I began my rhythmic gyrations towards them, we began to call out the other ones. Before we knew it, everyone was out of their rooms and staring at our three person impromptu dance party. The bolder girls became dancers 4, 5, 6 and 7. That left my two new ones.
Dance parties have an undeniable appeal, so after a brief moment of timidity, we had nine dancers giving it their all. There was universal laughter in the unit for the first time. Everyone was awkward, no one is going to win any dance competitions, but everyone swayed to the same beat for a minute. We connected. We released some of the tension that comes from either tantruming all day, or having to listen to it. My new ones made a fun memory in their new home. My older ones got to connect with their new neighbors. They all got to be kids.
After the song ended, we all were wiping tears from our eyes from laughing so hard. We hugged it out and went on with our day. That is the beauty of a dance, so much can be communicated in one song. I am here for you, I love you, we have fun here, welcome, be a kid and so much more was conveyed to my girls in less than five minutes. Yes, they still have a massive amount of stuff they have to work on and get through, but now we have the memory of the dance to make us smile as we work.
I would encourage you to take time in your life to dance, even if only for one song. Let your body sway to some beat that speaks to you, even if you can't quite get the rhythm right. Don't worry about how coordinated you look, just grab a friend and dance it out. If the dance doesn't help you, laughing at how ridiculous you all look sure will. Take a minute to have fun! The craziness of life will still be there when the song ends.