Intentionally Intentional

This week has been the week of me needing to check myself before I wreck myself. The girls were on spring break (which means I am with them from 9-9 everyday), I started the week by being sick, I have been so tired I have fallen asleep before midnight every day this week (which if you know me at all you understand the weirdness of that) and I am adjusting to a a couple new girls in the unit while also adjusting to a staffing change. Busy busy busy! I had all these wonderful intentions and plans to spend time with the girls and do projects with them, but found myself short on time and patience with seemingly endless stores of frustration and annoyance. To phrase it much more nicely than I deserve, stressed me is not the best version of me and by Saturday, I had had enough.

Two of my girls decided to have get in a fight at the pool resulting in one of the staff having to jump in and save the day. (Side note: PC DR you rock, sorry you got wet.) I was trying to figure out how this had happened and why it happened when I was given a small pool toy. Apparently this toy that was smaller than my hand was worth fighting over. I went to the kitchen to finish cooking and thought about what I was going to say to them. I was replaying their day in my head and realized that I had done many tasks for them, and was busy making sure they were on routine, but I hadn't spent any real time with them one on one for an emotional check in. Whoops! Yes, they all needed to be fed, and there were tasks we needed to get through, but I could have done a better job at the heart check in. I got busy and task oriented and forgot about being with the people in my desire to accomplish all the things. 

Saturday, I happened to have some of my essential oils and a carrier oil with me. I set out a few calming oils, had the girls pick the one that smelled best to them (Eucalyptus and Peace seemed to be the winners of the day), and gave them each an arm/hand massage. With one we talked about all the good things her hands can do, from building things with legos and cooking, to giving hugs and high fives; with another we talked about how she was settling into the unit and how she felt about living here now. The conversations weren't all deep and meaningful, but it gave me a chance to look at each of my girls and have at least 5 minutes with them where no one was mad and we weren't hurried or rushed. It gave us a chance to connect. 

Often times, because I am much more introverted than some presume me to be, I avoid chances to connect. I don't crave social interaction most times, and am quite content to be left alone. But others aren't all like me. I need to be making more of an effort to be present in the lives of those I love. It is easy to show up for friends in a crisis, but blow them off on the day to day because I am busy or tired. I know my family love me no matter what, so it is easy to give them the short end of the stick when they don't deserve it. In social situations, I feel anxious and awkward, so I can almost always find a very legitimate sounding excuse to not go and be present when I am asked. I can address the crowds, but mingling is intimidating. I was anxious to go see my Dad perform in an Easter Pageant at church, but was so glad I went as it was amazing and I may or may not have cried...several times. I miss out on things I am sad to have missed because I can't work up the courage or muster the energy to connect. 

I am also not intentional with my down time, seeking to get the introvert time I need and charge myself up for my next activity. I must be better at this. I need to stop letting being busy become an excuse to completely cut myself off from the world whenever I get a chance. I need to take time and breathe, and then get back out there. I need to be intentional in my rest to better facilitate my work. I need to be intentional, both when I connect and disconnect, so I am not using one as a defense mechanism to hide from myself or others. I need to learn to rest, really rest, so that I can better connect with those I love. Notice how many times I said intentional? I am recognizing the issue and now it is time to work! If I have blown you off using being busy or tired as an excuse, I am sorry, and I am working on it. Hopefully I will learn to rest more intentionally (there is that word again) so that I can connect with you all better in the days to come. 

Unconditional Love in a Conditional System

Most of the time, I love what I do. I love getting to work with this population of children and I love where I get to work. There are some days however, that the system on the whole angers me. I live in an ever-evolving symphony of case workers, CASA workers, lawyers, guardians, therapists, judges, doctors and probably a few others my very tired brain is forgetting about right now. All of these people come together to decide what is best for the children I work with, but they are never all in the same room. Messages are passed from one office to the next and in all the shuffle, the child I see everyday becomes a file in a stack somewhere. The children are read more than they are actually seen. 

One of my kids came to me with an aggressive rap sheet, a long list of transgressions and the highest level of care you can possibly be in the state of Texas. She had also been in 14 placements in 18 months. She has become a completely different person now that she has been allowed to get used to a place, let some people get to know her, and start to feel comfortable. We are still talking to people all the time who think she is the same kid who walked in our doors because they haven't seen the new her yet. I am always so happy when she gets to re-introduce herself to someone who only ever knew the old her and she gets to show off. I am so proud of the kid she is becoming. 

The system, while it does so much good, also has conditions that are sometimes hard. We can't always look and the hows and whys of a situation. When they are older, there is less and less time to help them become anything other that a sad statistic. I can understand why someone would lash out in anger, but I still have to record the violence they displayed. I can understand why they were scared, but I still have to label them as a runner. Understanding can't be excusing, and knowing that they have been through hell can't give them a free pass to not be decent human beings. Yesterday, that was hard. 

I sat in a room with a very well meaning individual about a week ago who kept talking to one of my children about when she went home. They discussed where she would go to school, how these years were the hardest but would all be worth it when she was home, how to get along with her siblings when they were under the same roof again, and the process for her moving home. The parting words from that meeting were about keeping up the good work and how motivated her family was to have her home and that maybe they could swing a day visit over spring break. I watched that child tell herself over and over this week "You wanna go home" and "this isn't worth it" and "you have your family waiting for you." She was trying so hard. 

Yesterday, she was told her siblings were adopted and she wasn't. As that child is lashing out at me and other staff with her hands and feet in a confusing mess of rage and grief, I was having my own internal crisis. I had to be the harsh, I had to get to the darkness she was trying to hide, bring it to light and give us someplace to build from tomorrow. I had to look a child in the face who was just told she didn't meet the conditions placed before her, and she wasn't going home, and try to show her unconditional love. It is a very confusing message; both that she has failed at meeting a requirement, but that there is not a requirement for me loving her. How does she believe me when everything around her is a point system she passes or fails, even her home? 

This child has made mistakes in the past. She reacted to situations with violence and rage, said some things she never should have said, and made some choices she deeply regrets now. She, like so many others I have seen before her, decided to be scarier than the person that scared her. But the girl with me yesterday, sobbing and raging against the world, was not a defiant adult, but a terrified and hurt child; one who said she is afraid of me because I might leave her too. 

It is so hard to show these children unconditional love and grace, to try to help them trust me and know that I am not running from their darkness, when the system might remove them from my care at any time. Messages get mixed up, kids are told they are going home when they aren't, parents say they will show up for visits and don't, people promise them things and don't deliver and people like me and those I work with are left with the fallout. I don't blame the kids for being wary of me and not trusting that I am there to help. 

Yesterday was hard. Today will be hard. My heart hurts for this child of mine, but ultimately she is, and always will be God's. That has to be where I find my peace. The state may move her, but God never leaves her. I may see growth that God has someone else water. I may never see progress, but God has a plan. I may encounter pain and grief and rage again and again, but God gives me strength and endurance. Ultimately, that is where I have to be in line. I work within the guidelines of Texas, but I work for God. On days where they don't understand, God can give clarity. On days where they are drowning in sorrow, God can give hope. On days when they are raging against the world, God can show them the beauty inside it. 

Friends pray for us, because this work is hard. Pray for my one who was left behind. Loving people in ways they can understand is so hard, and so many of you do this in different ways. I am praying for you as you seek to help those around you understand the unconditional love of God in a conditional world. May you have strength and grace, wisdom and purpose, hope and joy, and discernment to know your limits as you minister where you are. 

All the feels

I am not sure if you have figured this out about me yet, but I am not a very passive person. I may not always show it, but I have to work everyday on not being controlled by my emotions. Some days, I have great boundaries and am able to keep my game face on; other days I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat. (No joke, one time I was talking to my brother in law and realized I was crying because I could hear the music playing in the background from the scene in The Fox and The Hound when Widow Tweed drops Todd off in the forest. I wasn't even actively watching the movie!) This week some of my girls struggled with all the feelings as well.
I knew I was in for trouble when one of my minions walked up to me and was holding a gingerbread house in her hands. She proudly proclaimed that she had made it before christmas, but forgotten about it, and was very kindly asking me if she could eat it for snack that day. I hated to crush her dreams, but I didn't want her to have a stomach ache from eating a 2 month old, very stale, odd smelling, gingerbread house. She got a little upset and punched the top of the house, seeming shocked when the house suffered no damage at all. She then excitedly asked to take it outside and crush it. Now that, I could get behind.
She ran out and began gleefully throwing the bag the house was inside on the ground. After a few throws, she picked up the bag, looked inside at the demolished jagged pieces, and began to weep. I was flabbergasted as huge tears rolled down her cheeks and she wailed "it's broken!". She then attempted to run at a deer who was brave enough to come close to us to inspect a gumdrop that had landed on the grass because "HE CAN'T EAT IT! IT'S MINE!" As I am trying to de-escalate the situation, and figure out why, after intentionally breaking the house, this reaction is happening, I came to the realization that this was a case of the feels. It wasn't about the house or the deer, but just about being overtaken by an emotion and not knowing how to express that. We talked it out, hugged it out, and moved on.
I also have to move. I got my feelings hurt this week. Instead of talking to me about an issue, I got shut out and was shut down when I attempted to understand. I was stunned for a moment. This person knew just what to say to hurt me and exactly how to spin it to seem blameless and make me doubt my own intentions. As I was sitting there, beginning to question who I am at my core, trying to stop crying for long enough to catch my breath, it hit me; this was my case of the feels. I had been overtaken by an emotion and needed to get a grip. I wasn't quite yelling at deer, but it was close enough. I had allowed someone else to control my emotions and given them the power over me.
I took some deep breaths and looked at the situation again, this time asking myself what sitting and crying was getting me. Other than a headache, I had nothing. This wasn't helping me, and honestly, once I distanced myself from the emotion, I realized the entire situation had very little impact on my life. I could still be me, and live my life, in the reality I now found myself in.
It is the same thing I tell the girls all the time, never give someone or something more power over you than they or it deserve. They can choose to let the person who hurt them define them, feeling worthless and broken, or they can move from that, not excusing the actions of the past, but taking away the power they have over their future. It is hard, seems impossible and can shatter them to attempt to make that move, but it can also break them free from chains they have accepted as permanent parts of who they are. I can choose to continue to let someone walk all over me, or I can adjust my boundaries. We can sit in the feels, or we can move. Sometimes it can be nice to watch a movie or read a book that makes us cry, fills us with longing, or allows us to face some hard realities, but that doesn't need to be where we live. Emotions, while important, don't need to be in control. Next time you get the feels, ask yourself what impact this really has on your life. If you need to cry for two hours about chipped nail polish, I am willing to bet there is something else going on you haven't dealt with yet. If you feel all the feelings, and there isn't a cause, take a deep breath, count to ten, do some yoga, paint a picture, bake a cookie, take a nap, whatever you think might help, and then try to move from it. Just because the wave crashed over you, doesn't mean you have to be swept out to sea by the current. Remember you are made for much more than the pit of the feels, the sun will come out tomorrow, and God has never made a mistake and He made you!

"Helping"

There have been several instances in my life recently, professionally and personally, when I have been astounded by what constitutes as "helping". Most of us would say that we can tackle the random tuesdays of our lives with ease. The days where we know what to expect, we look like competent adults who know how to act and accomplish what is set before us. It is the day where we are thrown curveballs that we stumble, and unfortunately, often times, it is those days that matter most. I can make a mistake on a tuesday and it not have any real ramifications. I can forget to file something, say the wrong thing, or forget to pick up toilet paper on my way home and still get by. But then a situation comes along that I don't know how to handle and it carries weight; someone is in pain and I can't fix it, someone is in crisis and I have no answers, and I feel lost. It seems like many of the stories my girls and friends tell me recently have to do with people, very well meaning people, trying to help and making it worse. Sometimes good intentions do harm. Sometimes it is better not to have spoken at all than to say what pops into your head in the moment. There are a few pieces of great advice I have gotten along the way, doing what I do, that help me better manage trauma, not causing more harm along the way. In my frustration over the actions I see around me at times, I realized not everyone is lucky enough to take classes and trainings on how to deal with these situations. Not everyone lives in the trenches. So friends, though most of you will never need it, and know better than to say the things I have heard recently, I am compiling a list of tips in case you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is in pain and all the sudden your mouth tastes like foot and you have the sinking feeling that you just made a whoops.

1. It is not about you. 

I see this all the time with my girls. They tell someone a story and then feel the need to comfort them because they have heard what happened to them and they see they are distressed. It becomes the traumatized seeking to comfort someone who was not there in their trauma. If someone decides to let you into their darkness, it means they trust you enough to hold parts of them they don't give everyone. Someone's darkness is a fragile place that is not built to handle all the emotion you can bring. If your emotions are taking precedent, you are getting in the way of their healing. If it makes you sad, be sad. If it makes you mad, be mad. If it scares you, be scared. Feel what you feel, but don't make a traumatized person carry your emotions for you. 

I sometimes have to hide shaking hands and bite back bad words when my girls confide in me. What has happened to them makes me angry and sick, but they don't need my reaction, they need me to look back at them and be ready to get to work. Some of my friends have been sexually abused. We have wept together and raged at the world that still spins on despite it all, but they decide what and when. When they want to cry about it, we cry, but if they are ready to move, we move. My tears don't hold them back. I may have emotions and feelings that seem impossibly big, but it didn't happen to me. They own the rights to their story, I follow and support where I can. Anytime someone is modifying their crisis for your needs, or you have adopted their trauma as your own, you have crossed a line and need to take a minute to sort you out. They are doing enough as it is without managing you as well. 

2. Ask 

Traumatized adults are still adults. Traumatized teens are still teens. There are times when people enjoy being taken care of and there are times when it can be yet another thing that incapacitates them.  It may seem like a great idea to come in and handle day to day tasks for someone so that they can emotionally break for awhile, but ask them what they want. Deciding when they shower, what they eat, how they dress, or other daily tasks may help them normalize after crisis. Cover them in prayer, be present, but make sure you aren't making decisions for them that they have not authorized. If someone is mentally competent, ask them how they feel or what they want. Once you know, if they need you to carry out the decision and you feel comfortable doing it, by all means help them out. But victim doesn't equal infant. Many times they have had decisions taken from them already. They didn't choose to say goodbye to the person they lost, they didn't choose to be abused, they didn't choose to be abandoned. Choices can be empowering and if someone wants to sail their ship through their storm, you be the best first mate you can, but don't infantilize the captain. 

3. Sometimes silence is the best option

People say stupid things when they panic. Ask any Miss America Pageant participant a question without all the cameras around and I am betting they have more to say than "world peace". It is not up to you to decide that their trauma has "made you all stronger" or "will help someone someday". In crisis people need to know they are safe, loved and able to say anything to you without you judging them. Platitudes are a cop out. One of my girls told me that someone kept talking about the girl she could help someday who would have gone through something similar. At the time, she began to hate that girl. Where was the person to help her when she was alone? Why didn't someone who had been through the same thing come walk her through it? Why was this other girl more important and more loved than her? Why didn't she deserve someone to protect her? On the surface, this sounds like a great thing to say to someone, but at the time, it caused her more harm. Telling someone they will be so much stronger after their issue, sounds like you are telling them that whoever hurt them, actually did them a favor. If someone decides to empower themselves that way, then it is their choice. But you don't get to decide that their trauma makes them stronger or better. You also don't get to add yourself to that. "This has made us so much stronger", or "this has brought us so much closer" sounds as if your relationship with said person is worth whatever happened to them. That is not a choice you get to make. Sometimes, sitting in silence, offering support by being present is all they need. Wait until someone asks for an opinion to offer one, wait until someone asks a questions before you decide to start giving them what you think may be answers. Take a minute and think before you speak. If it is about you, or sounds like it could come from a $0.50 greeting card some random person they met once bought for them, don't say it. Make sure your words are not causing more harm. 

4. Let God guide you

Wanting to be there for someone, and having the skill set to do so are different things. Go as far as God equips you to go. We are not all licensed and trained professionals. We may not have answers, but we can listen to questions. We may not know how to proceed next, but we can be willing to walk with. Sometimes the best thing we can do is point someone to the professionals, cover them in prayer, and show up when they ask. If you don't know how to help, ask the professionals who do. Ask them to ask their therapist or pastor how you best help. Ask God to guide your feet, hands, heart and mouth. Don't think to tell them God's plan without asking. Many times people will tell them what God means in a situation, or what God is going to do, but unless you have consulted with God on the matter, stick to the promises you know. God will guide you, God is with you, God loves you, God hears you, God is not afraid of whatever you are bringing to him. All these things are true. God will strike down your abuser? Not so much. God loves the one who abuses as much as the one who is abused. Which is something that I admit, I struggle with at times, but my struggle does not give me the right to change the nature of God to suit my fancy. God longs for the redemption of all his children and it is not your job to throw the name of God around without following his will yourself. Pray, abide, support, but don't let your mouth get ahead of his will and purpose. 

I have also heard "don't let satan win by being mad" or "satan is trying to drag you down." Satan is not God. Satan doesn't win if you are angry. Satan is not your abuser, your abuser is your abuser. Don't give them that power. God made you capable of feeling emotional depth and He can handle it. God has a place in healing, satan does not and is not going to win because someone is mad. They have a reason to be, and God can handle the emotion they show. Don't give satan more power or authority than he deserves. If someone is a harm to themselves or others, they need professional help, not to be told not to let satan win. 

Things happen in our world that are beyond comprehension. People make horrible choices that can mark those around them in unexpected and terrible ways. As people who seek to help and not hurt, to heal and not harm, to empower and not demean, sometimes we do the opposite of our goal. Good intentions don't excuse careless actions. Reactionary periods aren't a free pass to behave without thought. If you are standing with someone in a storm, make sure you are well anchored and not adding waves for them to weather. Be in prayer, ask for support if you need it, have accountability, and know that you will mess up. We are human and someone we care for is in pain. You being willing to be with someone in a storm is such an amazing way to show support, but we take time and prepare for other things that are important in our lives. When we encounter a situation we are not confident about, or want to become better at in the future, we practice, we study, we hone skills and we ask for advice. This area is no different. We, as Christians, family, friends and neighbors, can attempt to prepare for the day when someone will need us instead of walking in blind and hoping to do some good without preparation. We will never have all the answers or handle situations perfectly, but we can say sorry and do better the next time, taking the tools we know as we go. Don't be afraid of silence, or too scared to ask questions. No one expects perfection, and you can't offer it, but you can limit the harm done as you try to help. 

Thankfulness

Today was Thanksgiving. It is a day that most spend surrounded by family or friends at a table filled with great food, laughter, and shared memories and experience. My girls are a little different. They spend holidays like today longing for the family they are no longer with, or dreaming of the family they could have. It is hard to have a staff and not a mom today. I can try my hardest, but I am always only Miss Amy. Some days that distinction doesn't hit very hard, but I was expecting it to hit home today.
For one it was the day I expected it to be. She pushed back and was overcome by big emotions. Her day was spent ranting and railing against people who aren't within reach, striking out instead at the ones who did show up today. It is hard to be hard on those behaviors when behind the defiance is an abandoned child. I had to look at the defiance at face value and make sure that, even though she was hurting, we didn't undo so many weeks of hard work by coddling a tantrum. That is a hard line and I had to tap out at some points. I am thankful for the team I have behind me that can come in and take over when I need to step away.
For a few of them, it was a normal day with more food. They played normally, and helped around the unit with daily tasks. At lunch it was fun to watch them pick what they wanted to eat instead of being given a plate of food that has already been made for them. They get little choice in this life of theirs, so seeing them realize they could have seconds or just eat mashed potatoes and green bean cassarole was hilarious. They would walk over to the dishes and raise the serving spoon like someone was going to tell them no. I assured them over and over it was fine and they could eat whatever they wanted as long as they were't going to pop from eating too much.
One of my little ones though,  was my shining moment today. She struggles even listening to Christmas music because she cries and wants to go home. I was worried about her today, but she watched the parade without issue and then came the big test of eating our Thanksgiving feast. She was talking and laughing with the rest of them. I remained worried about her until a little bit later when she was riding her bike around outside. She had a soft smile on her head and her bike helmet was slightly askew. I went over to her to help her fix it and heard her singing a little song under her breath. As i got closer I could make out the words. She was singing "Pecan pie, pecan pie, we are gonna eat pecan pie. Yummy yummy pecan pie." I fixed her helmet and watched her ride around still singing her little song. When we went inside and she actually got the pie she did a little dance and said "Miss today is my favorite." I asked what about the day was her favorite and she told me "I am all full and happy"
Well folks, that did it. That is what I am thankful for. I am thankful that a child got to be a child and for a happy pecan pie dance and song. Life may be hard, and there is a huge obstacle in front of them, but today, she was happy and I am thankful for that.

Life in the Bubble

Sometimes we all need a little perspective. It can be so easy to become consumed with the little bubbles we live in and forget the outside world. My girls and their issues become all I think about as I sleep, breathe and live the unit. My worldview shrinks and my reference point becomes what does and doesn't work for the eight girls I work with. They are important, and I love my job, but they aren't my entire life. I had a wonderful reminder of that as I got to step outside my bubble and travel to Mississippi to see my Mississippi people and watch one of the most influential people in my life get married last week.
I was surrounded by people who didn't need me to de-escalate them. Children had tantrums and no one looked at me to solve it. No one tried to run away, no one got physical, and no one needed me to medicate, feed, tutor, or keep them on a routine. I was an adult, with other adults, and everyone was happy. It was the oddest feeling. The world continued on in the unit without me, and I was able to take a break and realize that the outside world still exists and welcomes me when I have the time to encounter it. I reconnected with friends, made some new ones, ate great food, laughed until I cried, had my breath taken away by beauty, and stood in the company of great men and women. I saw Elizabeth gazing at Matthew as she walked down the aisle to join her life with his. I saw Matthew's giddy grin when they were pronounced man and wife. I was reminded that relationships are not all dysfunctional and warped.
Stepping outside my bubble gave me better perspective once I returned to "normal" life. I had recharged and taken time to refocus my energies and attitude. Everything wasn't horrible and stressful, I had just been in the world and seen beauty. My girls weren't all I had to think about or focus on, as I was reminded of all the people I have who love me and are there when I need them. My world was better focused because I had something to balance it.
I also got another perspective. While I was in Mississippi preparing for a wedding, I took a minute to check the news and learned of the attacks on Paris. I was reminded that my worldview needed to include the world. My small bubble was not the only one I was called to impact in some way. Terrorists commit heinous acts everyday in countries who are classified as "war-torn" or "third world" and we don't feel rocked to our core because we are desensitized and busy. But Paris struck a chord and we were reminded that safety is not a guarantee and our comfort zones are not our mission fields.
My job is important, but it is not the only one I have. I am called to bring Christ to those who seek him, no matter what they look like.
I logged into Facebook with caution, knowing some friends would be able to show Christ-like compassion, and some would have taken the opportunity to suit up in their judges robes. I was not surprised by what I saw. Some friends have taken the time to try to learn how to love those who look different while others have grown comfortable in their towers from which they look upon the rabble. I decided to mix the beauty with the ashes and attempt to see both for what they were in the hopes that I was seeing clearly.
I needed, and was given, perspective. There is beauty and terror in the world where we live. My job is important, but not my entire life and reason for living. I have been called to be here, but not only here. Rest and work, sorrow and joy, quiet and noise, we all need balance. As you figure out where you stand in the days and weeks to come, I hope you are able to find the beauty, see the truth of the terror and widen your scope so that your perspective can be more like that of Christ.

Boundaries

Most of my girls have a problem saying four letter words that they should not say. We try to combat that with  some other four letter words, love and time. This week however, we encountered a four letter word that made me want to scream the four letter words they get consequences for using. This week we had to deal with...the dreaded infestation of...lice. As we scrambled to check every girl's head, we then turned to the dreaded task of checking each other's hair. My coworker patiently checked my hair in sections and then informed me that she was slightly positive she may or may not have seen a shadow of something. That was enough for me to get treated and saran wrap my head while chemicals hopefully killed whatever she did or did not see. As coworkers snapped pictures of my alien head,  I tried to find the humor in the situation. Of course the one day I was too lazy to put my hair up after my shower would be the day we find lice. Of course the girls who had it would be the ones I had consoled and hugged the day before as they had emotional issues. I got off lightly, as after my saran wrapped chemical experience, I was deemed to be clean. I made an essential oil mixture and bought special shampoo just in case, but I got off lightly compared to what it could have been.

Later in the week I wanted to (and did) say those words I shouldn't say again when I realized one of my girls had played me and run away. I am imperfect and thought my spidey sense was tingling all day, I connected the dots about a minute too late and she made it out the door. Since it was dark outside when she ran, they were still looking for her when I left work. I felt a huge weight on my chest. I came home angry at her for abusing my trust, but mostly angry at myself because I should have know better and seen it coming. I had a feeling between wanting to burst into tears, punch something, and throw up until I got a text message around midnight saying she had been found safe and was back where she needed to be. The next morning walking into work was hard. I didn't know whether I wanted to yell at her, or hug her and cry. I realized then my emotions were running the show and I needed to let my head take the reigns. 

A few years ago I realized that I had terrible boundaries. I came to realize this after no less that five different people recommended the book Boundaries to me. (If you haven't read it, you need to! Super helpful, Cloud and Townsend, check it out.) I came to the conclusion that I cannot help anyone when I am too tired or drained to care. That book made me do some evaluating and changing in my life, prioritizing myself and what I need. It isn't selfish to make sure that I am okay, it is necessary. It is something I have to check from time to time though, as not taking the time to care for myself is a very easy habit to fall back into. 

Looking at my runaway this week, I realized I had been neglecting my boundaries. Much like the lice that infected my unit, without care or check to their infestation, I had allowed other people's emotions and issues to infest my life. I had neglected myself and was headed toward the place of being burnt out. I care, and will always care about the emotions of those around me; but caring and carrying are very different things. If there was emotional infestation shampoo, I needed it. Instead, I went inside myself and inspected my mental walls, filling the gaps and patching the holes. I said no when I needed to say no. Instead of trying to play a game with one of my girls who wanted me to play, I was honest about needing to do paperwork. I didn't let my runaway dump her emotions on me, instead tapping in others who can help. I shared the load. Everything got done and I when I left for the day, I left the emotions of the day behind. When I got home, I focused on what I needed and wanted. I rested. 

I am still tired. We are so short staffed right now it is ridiculous. (Seriously if you know anyone who wants to work with some pretty cool children at a youth ranch in Kerrville Texas let me know.) I am trying to show these kids that someone loves them and point them toward Christ, but I am no good to anyone if I am burnt out and emotionally drained. I have to take time for me, even if only in small ways. I am so excited to get to go see my soul sister get married this week (*happy dance*). I am not sure I remember how to have conversations with people who aren't emotionally disturbed, but I am going to dust off my social skills and give it a go. I was so glad to get to hug my sister and hold my nephews this week. I have a dinner date with my mom and am going to get to hug my dad before I go to the wedding. I am going to get 5 whole days without having to contain or de-escalate. I am going to re-charge. 

This week remember that while you are important, the fate of the world does not rest in your hands alone. Take time to make sure you are okay. Do something for yourself. Check your boundaries. While you can and should care, don't carry the emotions of others. Charge your batteries so that you can continue the work to which you are called. Don't fight needless battles for ambiguous reasons, instead focus on where you hear God's voice. Don't waste emotion on things that ultimately don't impact the Kingdom or you in any real way. Take rest, say no, and practice some self care. Your health matters.