Birthday Week Musings

I remember sitting in my bed as a little girl dreaming of what my life would be like. 16 seemed so far away from 7 and I was sure that by the time I finally got there, everything would be different. At 16, I still felt like I was 12 but I was confident that by 20 I would be the adult I knew I would grow into. At 20 I thought to myself, 20 is not the age anything really happens, but in 5 years, when I am 25, I'll be a completely different person; I'll know what I am going to do with my life, where I am going to do it, and who I am going to be going through life with.

Well, I'm not to 25 yet, but I have come to the realization, after thinking back on my life, that my system of putting a time limit on myself has got to go. I still feel like I have been sent on a secret mission from the kiddie table to scope out adult world, that someday, someone, is going to realize I don't quite belong and send me back with a pat on the head and a fruit cup. There are so many questions 7, 16, and 20 year old me thought would be answered by now that I have no clue about. But it is time I took myself off the hook for that. 

The bible doesn't say that I should be praying for my will to be done, but thy will to be done. Sanctification is a process, I am nowhere near where I hope to be when my days are done. Life is a process. I will never have all the answers. Maturing is a process, and I am nowhere near done yet. What I can do now, is be fully where I am while being willing to learn and grow. God's timing (although sometimes frustrating) is perfect. He understands my heart and has planned my days. Me continually growing closer to his heart is what is important.

Somewhere along the way, I will feel like I belong in adult world. I will figure out what kind of family I am supposed to make for myself. I will figure out how best to minister to people with my gifts in my calling. My heart will someday hold a special place for people I haven't met yet.  I have a purpose and I have faith in the one who gave it to me. God made me, and that is what I will hold onto when I feel a little impatient. 

So far, I have lived an amazing life. I am friends with people who awe me. I have a family that surrounds me in love. I have hobbies I enjoy that give me time to recharge and relax. I have talents that I have seen be used in beneficial ways in the lives of others. I have friends that I have seen collide with Jesus, never to be the same again. I can appreciate beauty, laugh uncontrollably, and live life alongside some amazing people. I see the world, it's pain and flaws, and still have hope that I can do something to ease that pain. I can do all this, and know all these people, and I'm still not done yet? Even if I feel out of step sometimes, this gives me joy. God isn't leaving me behind, he is planning for what's ahead. 

So, this birthday week, I am celebrating where I am right now. I am celebrating remembering the good of my past, while walking away from it's pain. I am celebrating the hope I have for my future (without attaching a timeline) and mostly, I am celebrating that I have already done the most important thing I will ever do in my life. I have accepted Jesus and acknowledged him as sovereign over who I am and all I do. The rest will come with time.