We are
constantly getting messages from the world and people around us. In a time when it has been estimated that
upwards of 2/3 of communication is non-verbal, there is a very real chance that
you communicated something to someone today without even realizing it.
Magazines and other media scream out their guidelines for how to be a better
you from every checkout line, computer, television and radio while the
standards of the world are ever evolving what it means to be “normal”. With so many different communicators, from
mass media to strangers, I think we are living in a time when intentional
communication with the generations coming along behind us is a must. If we
aren’t able to clearly communicate with them, even about things that might be
hard to talk about or uncomfortable to say out loud, the only messages they
will get are from sources who don’t know them as anything other than an age
range and gender they are trying to sell a product to. One of these somewhat
uncomfortable messages that must be communicated differently is how we are
addressing the issue of sexuality and relationships to young men and
women.
I grew up
in church hearing the true love waits message and went to a school that
required me to take health classes with scary pictures and horribly acted
videos. Both of these forums were supposed to teach me that sex, while
beautiful, was never to be taken casually, and I, as a girl, would never be the
same after having sex. Church told me to wait for marriage and school told me
everything bad that could possibly happen to me if I had sex before becoming a
responsible adult. The message somehow got tied to my self worth as I was told
over and over that my virginity (or lack thereof) was a gift that could only be
given once and if I made a mistake, it would hurt my future husband and family
someday. Just for fun, see if you can
finish this popular saying “no one wants to buy the cow if they are…”, my bet
is you knew how that phrase ends. Not
only does it make me a farm animal, but it relays the message that no one will
want me if I am “easy” or promiscuous.
I also
learned in church that it was my job to make it easier on the boys I was around
because their ability to stay pure was contingent on my ability to not be
tempting. There was a very “boys will be boys” attitude in that it was a given
that they would want to have sex, but we, as girls, should say no and dress in
ways that made it easy for them to think in pure ways. So now, not only do I
have to guard my own purity in fear of God’s wrath and being the unpicked cow,
I am responsible for the thoughts of the boys and men around me. That is a lot
of pressure for a 14 year old.
Then comes
the other side of the message. While school is showing me scary disease
pictures, and church is putting the weight of the sexual world on my shoulders,
media is telling me sex is fun and I can only be pretty if I am exposed. Almost
every show on television or magazine cover will depict what it looks like to be
pretty and normal and fun by showing us the casual nature of sex today and what
body part it is fashionable to expose this season. In one area I am being told
that sex is evil until the right time, and in another I am being told it is a
normal part of life that isn’t such a big deal.
These messages directly conflict each other.
The
messages that don’t conflict however are that both church and the media are
touting the flag of coupledom. “Singles shaming” had become a real thing in
that both the church and world wonder what is wrong with you if you are single
past a certain age. For me, it started once I was about 19. Suddenly people
seemed disappointed in the fact that I was single and started to wonder what
was wrong with me. I had people, who I am sure meant well, tell me they were
glad I “finally grew out of my awkward phase” so now I could “hopefully land a
man”, or ask me, in all seriousness “who hurt you?” or “why do you hate men?” all
because I was suddenly a single adult. So now I have to “catch” a man or I am deemed
worthless while also protecting my purity and the purity of every man that sees
me in word and thought and deed while also competing with the standards the
world around me has placed on me by telling the men I am supposed to catch that
I am only considered beautiful and fun if I look and act a certain way. I am
supposed to know how to be alluring up to the line but never cross it.
Now, I am
bad at math, but this equation does not seem to add up to me at all. Instead of validating our young men and
women, this seems to instead create an environment of secrecy where we just
don’t talk honestly about what is going on in our lives. This environment has
played into the fact that many of the girl friends I grew up with have been
sexually assaulted or raped by men and boys who look nothing like a thug in an
alleyway. If you tell a girl that she is supposed to be alluring and pure for
the sake of her self worth and the purity of every male she comes in contact
with, it is an impossible standard that sets her up for failure. We have to
change the way we are presenting this.
If I have a
daughter someday, this is what I want to be able to convey to her:
1.
She is a beautiful, worthy, and purposed child
of God.
2.
She is on no ones timeline but God’s. Being a girlfriend doesn’t make me or God love
her any more or less than being single.
3.
She is responsible for herself and only herself.
She cannot control the thoughts and actions of those around her, only her
responses to them.
4.
We all mess up and make mistakes, but these
mistakes don’t make us worthless.
5.
She can talk to me about anything, anywhere,
anytime. If the world is in constant communication with her, I will be as well.
If I have a
son someday, this is what I want to be able to convey to him:
1.
He is a beautiful, worthy, and purposed child of
God.
2.
He is on no ones timeline but God’s. Being a
boyfriend doesn’t make me or God love him any more or less than being single.
3.
He is responsible for himself and only himself.
He cannot control the thoughts and actions of those around him, only his
responses to them.
4.
We all mess up and make mistakes, but these
mistakes don’t make us worthless.
5.
He can talk to me about anything, anywhere,
anytime. If the world is in constant communication with him, I will be as well.
See how
they are the same? I am not making the boys responsible for protecting the
girls or the girls responsible for guarding the boys, I am asking them to be
responsible for themselves, which is hard enough. I am asking them to know
themselves and understand how loved and valued they are by God and find their
self worth in the fact that they were created. I am asking them to be honest
about their struggles and opening a dialogue that will hopefully give my
daughter the strength to say no to, and my son not to ask for, things they are
not ready for. I am hopefully allowing children to be children, and asking
adults to be adults.
As an adult
now, I need to be willing to sit through a conversation that might make me
uncomfortable. I need to be willing to look at the world and see what is being
communicated to those who are coming behind me and be saying just as much. I
need to be willing to lead the conversation that tells young girls that they
are worthy of love. Period. No cows involved, and they need to know God and
themselves above all else. Boys can wait until they are ready to encounter
them. I need to be willing to take the confusion out of the multiple messages
being presented and not put pressure on them and leave them in the midst of the
chaotic swirl of what sexuality and relationships mean. I need to be present
and vocal and understanding, and so do you. Think of those in your circle this
week who need to hear your voice and how to best convey love and understanding
to them and then take active measures to make sure they hear you. There are
many different ways to love someone, and your true love to them doesn’t have to
wait.
