For some reason, formulas hardly ever seem to work out for me. For example, University + 4 years = degree. Yeah…not so much for me. By this age in my life, according to the plan I made as an all-knowing 15 year old, I was supposed to have accomplished 4 things already.
1. Graduated from College
2. Had a stable job I love
3. Married the man of my dreams
4. Settled into a home and life somewhere we could grow together
This was the plan. The formula was Amy + College + Boy = married with job and happy life.
At 18 I remember thinking, okay God. It's time! Make stuff happen now! I was in college (which everyone said I was "made for" whatever that means) and it was time to figure out the major, meet the man, and start the plan! But, if you know me at all, you know that none of that worked out. And I wouldn't have wanted it to work out.
Sometimes the point of starting something isn't to finish it, it is to start it. Baylor University is an amazing place for some people, but it was never where I needed to finish. It was where I needed to start. I needed to see myself for what I was and what I wasn't, and learn to love them both. It was about the journey for me. There is fruit that I grew there that would have been unable to grow in any other environment. God used the formula, just not how I thought he would.
I wish life were easy. I wish I could take away all the pain and suffering of those I love. I wish everyone knew they were enough, they were loved and they were important to God and to me. I wish 2+2 always equaled 4, but sometimes, for seemingly no reason, it equals 7. Sometimes we aren't supposed to succeed, sometimes we are simply supposed to try and go through the journey.
There will always be things that don't make sense to me, but there is one thing I do know. When up against a wall, there are only two options.
First, God will equip you and guide you through. For those of you who are being equipped, I am praying for your perseverance. It can be a long process, and, you can even start to doubt if in fact you are being equipped at all, but until God releases you from it, I am praying for your discernment and endurance as you are refined and molded.
Second, God tells you to let it go and you leave it there. For those of you who are walking away from things, I am praying for your hearts as you move forward. I am praying that you can see the fruit from the journey and will have courage to embark on whatever comes next.
If you are struggling through right now, I would encourage you to pray for discernment if this struggle is one you need to go through, or one your pride won't allow you to release. Whatever your next step is, know that you are loved, cared for and that you are not the only person who the formula hasn't quite added up for.
