Crazy days In Kerrville

On April 16 I got an amazing new nephew named Benjamin and could't wait to come to Texas to visit him and celebrate my other precious nephew Jackson's second birthday the first week of May. My sister and I planned it this way so I would get to make the most of the trip from North Carolina to Texas and get to hold him and play with him more when I got here. After that, I was going to fly back to NC to start my new nannying job, and try to make it back down to Texas one more time before meeting them in Washington DC in June before they flew back to Chad to continue their work there. We had a plan, and it was a good one.
Then everything shifted. I started getting messages about how Benjamin was being air-flighted to San Antonio and that there was something wrong. North Carolina had never felt so far away. My visit in May ended up being part birthday celebration, part waiting in the hospital while Benjamin had the first of the three open heart surgeries he will need to survive and thrive. It was then that I realized that going back to NC felt...wrong. So, two months ago today I decided I wanted to move back to Texas. A few weeks later, my dad flew up to NC and loaded everything I own into a u-haul and drove it for two days back to Kerrville while I followed in my car. We then unloaded it all into the apartment my mom created for me in the ground level of their home and I started a new life here.
 I began to try to figure out what life would look like here while everyone adjusted to the new normal. My parents went from having a daughter in Africa and another in NC, to having one in their home, and one a street away. My sister and brother in law went from being missionaries in Africa and parents to one awesome kid, to parents of two amazing boys, one of whom has never been to the home they didn't know they would be staying in here. I went from living with my best friend and being a nanny to making a whole new set of friends in an amazing job working with some amazing kids who challenge me and inspire me to be strong everyday. God has done some crazy things in our lives in the past 3 1/2 months so today I am celebrating.
I am celebrating the fact that my nephew has had a successful second surgery today that will help him be stronger for his next open heart surgery. I am celebrating that I have a dad that, while being a pastor and working to get his doctorate, will come do heavy lifting and drive for over 24 hours to make sure I am where I need to be (seriously though if you see him, give the man a hug or a high five because that drive was a bear and he was a champ!) I am celebrating the fact that I have a mother who makes a home for me wherever she is and cheers me on in the newness. I am celebrating the fact that I have an amazing sister and brother in law who have shown me how to adjust on the fly while worshipping God in the midst of confusion and pain. I am celebrating the fact that Benjamin has an amazing big brother in Jackson who is learning and growing in exciting ways everyday. I am celebrating all my friends and family who have been on their knees for my family during this time. We feel your prayers and you are making a difference. Thank you thank you for all you have done, are doing, and will do.
This is not where I expected to be at all. Last summer I couldn't picture my life being here and now I can't picture it being anywhere else. If I can tell you one thing that God has proved to me thus far in my 25 years of life it is that, though he may shake and shift the ground you walk upon, he never lets you go. I hope that comforts you in the days to come as many of you are experiencing newness as well. Let me know how I can support you in the days to come and please continue to pray for our sweet Benjamin. If you want more information on him and don't follow them already, check out Mandi and Jake's blog at http://www.thekelleysinafrica.blogspot.com

Let's talk about...

            We are constantly getting messages from the world and people around us.  In a time when it has been estimated that upwards of 2/3 of communication is non-verbal, there is a very real chance that you communicated something to someone today without even realizing it. Magazines and other media scream out their guidelines for how to be a better you from every checkout line, computer, television and radio while the standards of the world are ever evolving what it means to be “normal”.  With so many different communicators, from mass media to strangers, I think we are living in a time when intentional communication with the generations coming along behind us is a must. If we aren’t able to clearly communicate with them, even about things that might be hard to talk about or uncomfortable to say out loud, the only messages they will get are from sources who don’t know them as anything other than an age range and gender they are trying to sell a product to. One of these somewhat uncomfortable messages that must be communicated differently is how we are addressing the issue of sexuality and relationships to young men and women. 

            I grew up in church hearing the true love waits message and went to a school that required me to take health classes with scary pictures and horribly acted videos. Both of these forums were supposed to teach me that sex, while beautiful, was never to be taken casually, and I, as a girl, would never be the same after having sex. Church told me to wait for marriage and school told me everything bad that could possibly happen to me if I had sex before becoming a responsible adult. The message somehow got tied to my self worth as I was told over and over that my virginity (or lack thereof) was a gift that could only be given once and if I made a mistake, it would hurt my future husband and family someday.  Just for fun, see if you can finish this popular saying “no one wants to buy the cow if they are…”, my bet is you knew how that phrase ends.  Not only does it make me a farm animal, but it relays the message that no one will want me if I am “easy” or promiscuous.

            I also learned in church that it was my job to make it easier on the boys I was around because their ability to stay pure was contingent on my ability to not be tempting. There was a very “boys will be boys” attitude in that it was a given that they would want to have sex, but we, as girls, should say no and dress in ways that made it easy for them to think in pure ways. So now, not only do I have to guard my own purity in fear of God’s wrath and being the unpicked cow, I am responsible for the thoughts of the boys and men around me. That is a lot of pressure for a 14 year old.

            Then comes the other side of the message. While school is showing me scary disease pictures, and church is putting the weight of the sexual world on my shoulders, media is telling me sex is fun and I can only be pretty if I am exposed. Almost every show on television or magazine cover will depict what it looks like to be pretty and normal and fun by showing us the casual nature of sex today and what body part it is fashionable to expose this season. In one area I am being told that sex is evil until the right time, and in another I am being told it is a normal part of life that isn’t such a big deal.  These messages directly conflict each other.

            The messages that don’t conflict however are that both church and the media are touting the flag of coupledom. “Singles shaming” had become a real thing in that both the church and world wonder what is wrong with you if you are single past a certain age. For me, it started once I was about 19. Suddenly people seemed disappointed in the fact that I was single and started to wonder what was wrong with me. I had people, who I am sure meant well, tell me they were glad I “finally grew out of my awkward phase” so now I could “hopefully land a man”, or ask me, in all seriousness “who hurt you?” or “why do you hate men?” all because I was suddenly a single adult.  So now I have to “catch” a man or I am deemed worthless while also protecting my purity and the purity of every man that sees me in word and thought and deed while also competing with the standards the world around me has placed on me by telling the men I am supposed to catch that I am only considered beautiful and fun if I look and act a certain way. I am supposed to know how to be alluring up to the line but never cross it.

            Now, I am bad at math, but this equation does not seem to add up to me at all.  Instead of validating our young men and women, this seems to instead create an environment of secrecy where we just don’t talk honestly about what is going on in our lives. This environment has played into the fact that many of the girl friends I grew up with have been sexually assaulted or raped by men and boys who look nothing like a thug in an alleyway. If you tell a girl that she is supposed to be alluring and pure for the sake of her self worth and the purity of every male she comes in contact with, it is an impossible standard that sets her up for failure. We have to change the way we are presenting this.

            If I have a daughter someday, this is what I want to be able to convey to her:

1.     She is a beautiful, worthy, and purposed child of God.

2.     She is on no ones timeline but God’s.  Being a girlfriend doesn’t make me or God love her any more or less than being single.

3.     She is responsible for herself and only herself. She cannot control the thoughts and actions of those around her, only her responses to them.

4.     We all mess up and make mistakes, but these mistakes don’t make us worthless.

5.     She can talk to me about anything, anywhere, anytime. If the world is in constant communication with her, I will be as well.

            If I have a son someday, this is what I want to be able to convey to him:

1.     He is a beautiful, worthy, and purposed child of God.

2.     He is on no ones timeline but God’s. Being a boyfriend doesn’t make me or God love him any more or less than being single.

3.     He is responsible for himself and only himself. He cannot control the thoughts and actions of those around him, only his responses to them.

4.     We all mess up and make mistakes, but these mistakes don’t make us worthless.

5.     He can talk to me about anything, anywhere, anytime. If the world is in constant communication with him, I will be as well.

            See how they are the same? I am not making the boys responsible for protecting the girls or the girls responsible for guarding the boys, I am asking them to be responsible for themselves, which is hard enough. I am asking them to know themselves and understand how loved and valued they are by God and find their self worth in the fact that they were created. I am asking them to be honest about their struggles and opening a dialogue that will hopefully give my daughter the strength to say no to, and my son not to ask for, things they are not ready for. I am hopefully allowing children to be children, and asking adults to be adults.

            As an adult now, I need to be willing to sit through a conversation that might make me uncomfortable. I need to be willing to look at the world and see what is being communicated to those who are coming behind me and be saying just as much. I need to be willing to lead the conversation that tells young girls that they are worthy of love. Period. No cows involved, and they need to know God and themselves above all else. Boys can wait until they are ready to encounter them. I need to be willing to take the confusion out of the multiple messages being presented and not put pressure on them and leave them in the midst of the chaotic swirl of what sexuality and relationships mean. I need to be present and vocal and understanding, and so do you. Think of those in your circle this week who need to hear your voice and how to best convey love and understanding to them and then take active measures to make sure they hear you. There are many different ways to love someone, and your true love to them doesn’t have to wait.

What Bible are you reading?

Ok. Truth talk time. Today I am a little bit upset. This morning I got yet another text linking me to an article about a Christian "leader" of our times being shady in his business and personal dealings. It seems that almost every time I turn on my computer I am slammed with another story about someone claiming to be doing God's work warping the message for their own profit, or using the message as a spear to pierce those they view as different from themselves. For some reason, these leaders wake up everyday and instead of putting on the belt of truth and the breastplate of righteousness, put on the suit of hypocrisy and the tie of judgement and say it is the same thing. In looking at their brothers and sisters and calling them unworthy, they are not only harming those around them but themselves as well.

When Jesus came he built a great empire with a magnificent building and preached the message that if you came to him, you would be comfortable and prosperous and that you would then have the right to lord the sins of others over their heads while condemning them. Oh...wait...scratch that. He didn't. Yet, all around me I see people who have claimed to speak for me and my ideals, who have platforms that reach more people than I ever will, being unapologetic in their judgement of those around them. I see them passing themselves off as emperors of their own little empires where they breed ideals I can never seem to find in the bible I read. To these leaders, I offer a word of caution. Jesus could have easily come as the conqueror and made himself an empire which knew no bounds, but instead he formed a group of transient people and gave them the message to go spread the message of love. Jesus never had a massive building or 200 programs to make good little christians feel better while excluding the rest of the world; no, he went to the rest of the world and loved them as we are commanded to do.

For the rest of us, we should look at these leaders with caution. They have become this way because there is no one around them who can keep them accountable for their actions. We all need to have friends around us who will speak hard truths to us. When I am not loving those around me, or when I start passing judgement on someone because they are different than I am, I am sinning and I need someone to step up and tell me. We all need that. The Church needs that. We should never need to apologize for our faith or add the caveat "but I'm not like that" when talking to people around us about God and their perception of him. We have allowed the way the world views the Church to become a hindrance to our message. How are people supposed to believe that God will welcome them into the gates of Heaven, when we won't welcome them inside the doors of our churches? I am taking the Romans 14 view to life. (Romans 14) I hope you will take it with me. I hope you can look at the world around you and see that your sovereign God created it ALL and has a purpose for it ALL and wants you to find a way to love ALL his children, not just the ones who look like you. Take back the message of love from those who have warped it and reach out to those who are hurting.

2+2=7

For some reason, formulas hardly ever seem to work out for me. For example, University + 4 years = degree. Yeah…not so much for me. By this age in my life, according to the plan I made as an all-knowing 15 year old, I was supposed to have accomplished 4 things already.
1. Graduated from College
2. Had a stable job I love
3. Married the man of my dreams
4. Settled into a home and life somewhere we could grow together
This was the plan. The formula was Amy + College + Boy = married with job and happy life.
At 18 I remember thinking, okay God. It's time! Make stuff happen now! I was in college (which everyone said I was "made for" whatever that means) and it was time to figure out the major, meet the man, and start the plan! But, if you know me at all, you know that none of that worked out. And I wouldn't have wanted it to work out.
Sometimes the point of starting something isn't to finish it, it is to start it. Baylor University is an amazing place for some people, but it was never where I needed to finish. It was where I needed to start. I needed to see myself for what I was and what I wasn't, and learn to love them both. It was about the journey for me. There is fruit that I grew there that would have been unable to grow in any other environment. God used the formula, just not how I thought he would.
I wish life were easy. I wish I could take away all the pain and suffering of those I love. I wish everyone knew they were enough, they were loved and they were important to God and to me. I wish 2+2 always equaled 4, but sometimes, for seemingly no reason, it equals 7. Sometimes we aren't supposed to succeed, sometimes we are simply supposed to try and go through the journey.
There will always be things that don't make sense to me, but there is one thing I do know. When up against a wall, there are only two options.
First, God will equip you and guide you through. For those of you who are being equipped, I am praying for your perseverance. It can be a long process, and, you can even start to doubt if in fact you are being equipped at all, but until God releases you from it, I am praying for your discernment and endurance as you are refined and molded.
Second, God tells you to let it go and you leave it there. For those of you who are walking away from things, I am praying for your hearts as you move forward. I am praying that you can see the fruit from the journey and will have courage to embark on whatever comes next.
If you are struggling through right now, I would encourage you to pray for discernment if this struggle is one you need to go through, or one your pride won't allow you to release. Whatever your next step is, know that you are loved, cared for and that you are not the only person who the formula hasn't quite added up for.

Resolutions

"With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere." -C.S. Lewis

It is a new year! That means that for most of us, we have taken time to reflect upon the hardships of last year and tried to commit to being better in this new year. We have found things we are dissatisfied with in ourselves and resolved to change them. Whatever your resolutions may be, I wish you luck with them in the days to come. I hope that you are able to make positive changes in your life that last for longer than just the month of January and I would also ask that you help me keep mine in the year to come. I have resolved to do five things differently this year, and if you want to do them with me, I invite you to join in!

1. Love Fearlessly
I too often, in relationships with others and more importantly in my relationship with God, allow fear to play a major role. God wants me to love with abandon. If I am loving those around me fearlessly I can show them the type of radical love Jesus showed the world when he came and if I am loving God without fear I will be able to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit wherever it may lead. I don't want fear to play a part in how I love others this year.

2. Live Actively
I want to be an active part of the lives of the people I am blessed to know. I want to not be a face that they sometimes see or someone that occasionally they talk to on the phone. I want to be there for the joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures of the amazing people I get to be surrounded by. I want to make sure that in this coming year people know that I am here to be on their team and that I will not shy away from their mess or darkness, but that I am going to stand in their storm.

3. Find Whimsy
I am 24 years old. I am at a wonderful stage in life where I am new to the adult table, but, I want to be sure that in the coming years I am still able to still find wonder and whimsy in the world around me. My creator delights in his creation, and I want to be sure I am doing the same. I want to seek joy and hope, find myself in situations where the only appropriate response is to giggle, and to enjoy the life I have been given.

4. Learn humbly
I am nowhere near knowing all that I need to know or want to know about anything. I want to be sure that in the coming year I am containing to study and learn. I want to learn more of the word of God so than I can hold it in my heart. I want to learn more about the area I feel called to so that I can best help those I will impact in the future. I also want to learn more about myself and who I am at my core. I want to know my God, skills, self and shortcomings better at the end of this year than I do now, which means I have a lot of learning to do.

5. Grow gratefully
I have been given life, talents and a calling worthy of someone greater than I am now. I want to grow this year to more resemble Christ and the woman I was made to become. In continuing to love, be an active part of the lives of others, keeping my childish sense of wonder and learning more of who I am, I will hopefully grow closer to that person, but it also takes me continually praying to become her. I need to pray against complacency in who and where I am and always be willing to work on myself for the Glory of God and the betterment of my ministry. I want to always be growing until the day comes when I go to my eternal home and am able to worship the God I love forever.

So friends, these are my resolutions. I hope to love you more, love myself more, giggle with you, be constantly learning, and grow closer to who I could be someday this year. I hope you accomplish your resolutions and will help me keep mine in the 361 days we have left of this year.