Maybe it is because it is the Holiday season but I have seen so many articles and blogs recently about relationships! Since there are so many, I decided to add one more to the mix because I have yet to hear any advice that I felt like taking to heart. I have read articles that want to give me hope because there is someone out there for me and when he finally shows up my endless wait will be over and my happiness will begin. I have read articles that literally have phrases I can memorize so I can respond to the question "why are you still single" with dignity and less emotional pain. I have read blogs that tell me why I need a man and why I should keep up the search because I just can't do it on my own. I have read blogs that tell me being single isn't a crime and I should try to have fun in single-land while I can, but always be ready to leave because couple-land is where we all really want to be. I have basically been told in 100 different ways that I should be doing more to "catch" a man because until I have him, my true joy and purpose can't begin and people will continue to ask me hurtful questions like "when is my turn coming" and "don't you want a boyfriend" until I finally accede to the social norm and couple off like the rest of the good little girls and boys. I have even been told by someone, who I am sure meant very well, "Aw sweetie, even the animals went into the ark two by two". Ummm…thanks?
I want to say three things very clearly. One, I have nothing against marriage or men. Two, relationships can be awesome and there is nothing wrong with dating. Three, being single is nothing to be ashamed of. This isn't an "I hate men" tirade, or a rant on feminism. This isn't about how i'm not letting men "steal my power". This is simply me saying I am already whole and complete on my own. Maybe I am weird, but I don't think there is anything wrong with my story so far. I am 24, single and have never been in a relationship. I mean, I married boys at recess and had the middle school boyfriends that you dated for two hours and broke up with at lunch when they shared their Cheetos with another girl, but I've never dated anyone even semi seriously. I'm not afraid of boys, some of my best friends are of the male variety, but I have never invited someone into that part of my heart.
I remember getting the "check yes or no" note in 5th grade and instead of feeling excited by the prospect of being picked to be a girlfriend, I passed it back asking him to define what girlfriend meant to him, because I wasn't going to blindly check a box when I wasn't sure what it meant. It was then that I realized I wasn't a casual date kinda girl. Then in high school my family moved to another town and I felt like God was calling me to be a friend to those I met there, but to guard the other part of my heart. For the time being, God had asked me to be single, and I am so glad he did. I didn't need to date in high school to have fun! I took guy friends to the prom, went to movies and parties and made some friends that I will have forever, but never had my heart broken. Then came college and that took enough emotional energy on its own. Figuring out who I was and what my place was in the world is a journey that knocked me over. While God got me through, I am still figuring all that out and at that time I didn't know me well enough to be with anybody else. Being in a relationship at that time would have been a crutch for me and a detriment to the other person.
Now, I know me much better. I know who I am, where I stand and what I am worth, but I keep getting the message that I am not enough. Well, I have hit rock bottom and sacrificed enough blood, sweat and tears to get back up to know that that is a lie. I am enough. I was created to be enough and while relationships can be great, they are not my good. My good is that I was created for God, by God and am able to be his child all on my own. I am good enough to be with someone, but I am also good enough to be on my own. Someday I might get married and become a wife, but that isn't my aim. If it happens awesome, if it doesn't awesome. This, like I strive for every part of my life to be, is a "thy will be done" area. If God wants me to date someday, I will be happy to do so. If God wants me to be married someday, I will be happy to do so. If God wants me to be single forever, I will be happy to do so. I am enough, worthy and loved as I am. I hope you all know that you are enough, worthy and loved as well, whether you are married, dating or single.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Verbal Skills
I nanny a four year old who is non-verbal. He tries so hard to communicate with the world around him, but the easiest communicational path is closed for him. Our days are a mash up of signs, gestures and sounds as we work together to make sure he feels safe, happy and loved. This has become my norm. I forgot that this isn't the way everyone operates until I took him to swimming lessons.
We were walking in and he was "talking" which means he is repeating sounds like a hard B or D over and over. I try to encourage talking so I was saying things like "Is that right" and "Then what happened" to try to keep him communicating. This is what we do day in and day out, but nobody else knew that. All they saw was something new, strange and different. I expected it from the kids, but I was a little amazed by how many parents stopped and stared. I decided not to let it bother me and went right on with our usual process. They could modify their expectations, my lil guy can't.
Later that evening I was thinking about the day and I realized that I am a lot like my lil guy. As years pass and life gets more and more real, I am finding myself less equipped to talk about it. Death isn't distant anymore, I have had people unexpectedly and shockingly taken from my life. The dark parts of human nature aren't confined to plot lines on movies I don't watch, but have reached out and touched some of my friend's lives. Things happen and I am not relying on explanations from my parents as they lead me through whatever lies ahead, but I am being asked to walk on as I make sense of what is around me.
Luckily, God understands. It doesn't matter if all I have to offer him is confusion, he knows my meaning. I don't have to know what to say or how to say it for him to help guide me toward what I need. My eloquence (or lack thereof) in no way determines his understanding of my heart. As life moves on, I am so thankful for this.
Being with the lil guy has also made me want to be as clear as I can be communicationally. It doesn't matter what he actually says to me, but it matters that I get the right message. In typical communication it is the opposite, and the responsibility lies in the message. If I say something to you and you hear something different from what I meant, it isn't your fault as the listener, but my fault as the communicator. I need to modify my message.
For example, I had just made a new friend in college and when she would talk to me, I would nod along and offer supporting interjections like "yeah" and "I know" and "that makes sense" as she spoke. She thought I was making fun of her and trying to cut her off! Whoops! This habit came from the fact that when I spoke to my sister and some other friends, those same comments meant that I was listening and following along with them. To them it was heard as "you're important to me, keep talking" to the other friend it was heard as "I'm bored, shut up". Same words, completely different meanings. As the communicator of those words, I needed to clarify their meaning and see how best to communicate that same message to this friend.
After constantly modifying all day everyday, I know it can be tiring, but isn't it worth it? While God understands without words, people need a little more help. Take pride in your message. Make it worth the added effort it may be to make sure that the people around you hear what you mean. Make sure those you love have heard that you love them in what you are communicating to them. Make your words count, and for what you don't have words for, know God understands and loves you always.
We were walking in and he was "talking" which means he is repeating sounds like a hard B or D over and over. I try to encourage talking so I was saying things like "Is that right" and "Then what happened" to try to keep him communicating. This is what we do day in and day out, but nobody else knew that. All they saw was something new, strange and different. I expected it from the kids, but I was a little amazed by how many parents stopped and stared. I decided not to let it bother me and went right on with our usual process. They could modify their expectations, my lil guy can't.
Later that evening I was thinking about the day and I realized that I am a lot like my lil guy. As years pass and life gets more and more real, I am finding myself less equipped to talk about it. Death isn't distant anymore, I have had people unexpectedly and shockingly taken from my life. The dark parts of human nature aren't confined to plot lines on movies I don't watch, but have reached out and touched some of my friend's lives. Things happen and I am not relying on explanations from my parents as they lead me through whatever lies ahead, but I am being asked to walk on as I make sense of what is around me.
Luckily, God understands. It doesn't matter if all I have to offer him is confusion, he knows my meaning. I don't have to know what to say or how to say it for him to help guide me toward what I need. My eloquence (or lack thereof) in no way determines his understanding of my heart. As life moves on, I am so thankful for this.
Being with the lil guy has also made me want to be as clear as I can be communicationally. It doesn't matter what he actually says to me, but it matters that I get the right message. In typical communication it is the opposite, and the responsibility lies in the message. If I say something to you and you hear something different from what I meant, it isn't your fault as the listener, but my fault as the communicator. I need to modify my message.
For example, I had just made a new friend in college and when she would talk to me, I would nod along and offer supporting interjections like "yeah" and "I know" and "that makes sense" as she spoke. She thought I was making fun of her and trying to cut her off! Whoops! This habit came from the fact that when I spoke to my sister and some other friends, those same comments meant that I was listening and following along with them. To them it was heard as "you're important to me, keep talking" to the other friend it was heard as "I'm bored, shut up". Same words, completely different meanings. As the communicator of those words, I needed to clarify their meaning and see how best to communicate that same message to this friend.
After constantly modifying all day everyday, I know it can be tiring, but isn't it worth it? While God understands without words, people need a little more help. Take pride in your message. Make it worth the added effort it may be to make sure that the people around you hear what you mean. Make sure those you love have heard that you love them in what you are communicating to them. Make your words count, and for what you don't have words for, know God understands and loves you always.
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