Intentionally Intentional

This week has been the week of me needing to check myself before I wreck myself. The girls were on spring break (which means I am with them from 9-9 everyday), I started the week by being sick, I have been so tired I have fallen asleep before midnight every day this week (which if you know me at all you understand the weirdness of that) and I am adjusting to a a couple new girls in the unit while also adjusting to a staffing change. Busy busy busy! I had all these wonderful intentions and plans to spend time with the girls and do projects with them, but found myself short on time and patience with seemingly endless stores of frustration and annoyance. To phrase it much more nicely than I deserve, stressed me is not the best version of me and by Saturday, I had had enough.

Two of my girls decided to have get in a fight at the pool resulting in one of the staff having to jump in and save the day. (Side note: PC DR you rock, sorry you got wet.) I was trying to figure out how this had happened and why it happened when I was given a small pool toy. Apparently this toy that was smaller than my hand was worth fighting over. I went to the kitchen to finish cooking and thought about what I was going to say to them. I was replaying their day in my head and realized that I had done many tasks for them, and was busy making sure they were on routine, but I hadn't spent any real time with them one on one for an emotional check in. Whoops! Yes, they all needed to be fed, and there were tasks we needed to get through, but I could have done a better job at the heart check in. I got busy and task oriented and forgot about being with the people in my desire to accomplish all the things. 

Saturday, I happened to have some of my essential oils and a carrier oil with me. I set out a few calming oils, had the girls pick the one that smelled best to them (Eucalyptus and Peace seemed to be the winners of the day), and gave them each an arm/hand massage. With one we talked about all the good things her hands can do, from building things with legos and cooking, to giving hugs and high fives; with another we talked about how she was settling into the unit and how she felt about living here now. The conversations weren't all deep and meaningful, but it gave me a chance to look at each of my girls and have at least 5 minutes with them where no one was mad and we weren't hurried or rushed. It gave us a chance to connect. 

Often times, because I am much more introverted than some presume me to be, I avoid chances to connect. I don't crave social interaction most times, and am quite content to be left alone. But others aren't all like me. I need to be making more of an effort to be present in the lives of those I love. It is easy to show up for friends in a crisis, but blow them off on the day to day because I am busy or tired. I know my family love me no matter what, so it is easy to give them the short end of the stick when they don't deserve it. In social situations, I feel anxious and awkward, so I can almost always find a very legitimate sounding excuse to not go and be present when I am asked. I can address the crowds, but mingling is intimidating. I was anxious to go see my Dad perform in an Easter Pageant at church, but was so glad I went as it was amazing and I may or may not have cried...several times. I miss out on things I am sad to have missed because I can't work up the courage or muster the energy to connect. 

I am also not intentional with my down time, seeking to get the introvert time I need and charge myself up for my next activity. I must be better at this. I need to stop letting being busy become an excuse to completely cut myself off from the world whenever I get a chance. I need to take time and breathe, and then get back out there. I need to be intentional in my rest to better facilitate my work. I need to be intentional, both when I connect and disconnect, so I am not using one as a defense mechanism to hide from myself or others. I need to learn to rest, really rest, so that I can better connect with those I love. Notice how many times I said intentional? I am recognizing the issue and now it is time to work! If I have blown you off using being busy or tired as an excuse, I am sorry, and I am working on it. Hopefully I will learn to rest more intentionally (there is that word again) so that I can connect with you all better in the days to come. 

Unconditional Love in a Conditional System

Most of the time, I love what I do. I love getting to work with this population of children and I love where I get to work. There are some days however, that the system on the whole angers me. I live in an ever-evolving symphony of case workers, CASA workers, lawyers, guardians, therapists, judges, doctors and probably a few others my very tired brain is forgetting about right now. All of these people come together to decide what is best for the children I work with, but they are never all in the same room. Messages are passed from one office to the next and in all the shuffle, the child I see everyday becomes a file in a stack somewhere. The children are read more than they are actually seen. 

One of my kids came to me with an aggressive rap sheet, a long list of transgressions and the highest level of care you can possibly be in the state of Texas. She had also been in 14 placements in 18 months. She has become a completely different person now that she has been allowed to get used to a place, let some people get to know her, and start to feel comfortable. We are still talking to people all the time who think she is the same kid who walked in our doors because they haven't seen the new her yet. I am always so happy when she gets to re-introduce herself to someone who only ever knew the old her and she gets to show off. I am so proud of the kid she is becoming. 

The system, while it does so much good, also has conditions that are sometimes hard. We can't always look and the hows and whys of a situation. When they are older, there is less and less time to help them become anything other that a sad statistic. I can understand why someone would lash out in anger, but I still have to record the violence they displayed. I can understand why they were scared, but I still have to label them as a runner. Understanding can't be excusing, and knowing that they have been through hell can't give them a free pass to not be decent human beings. Yesterday, that was hard. 

I sat in a room with a very well meaning individual about a week ago who kept talking to one of my children about when she went home. They discussed where she would go to school, how these years were the hardest but would all be worth it when she was home, how to get along with her siblings when they were under the same roof again, and the process for her moving home. The parting words from that meeting were about keeping up the good work and how motivated her family was to have her home and that maybe they could swing a day visit over spring break. I watched that child tell herself over and over this week "You wanna go home" and "this isn't worth it" and "you have your family waiting for you." She was trying so hard. 

Yesterday, she was told her siblings were adopted and she wasn't. As that child is lashing out at me and other staff with her hands and feet in a confusing mess of rage and grief, I was having my own internal crisis. I had to be the harsh, I had to get to the darkness she was trying to hide, bring it to light and give us someplace to build from tomorrow. I had to look a child in the face who was just told she didn't meet the conditions placed before her, and she wasn't going home, and try to show her unconditional love. It is a very confusing message; both that she has failed at meeting a requirement, but that there is not a requirement for me loving her. How does she believe me when everything around her is a point system she passes or fails, even her home? 

This child has made mistakes in the past. She reacted to situations with violence and rage, said some things she never should have said, and made some choices she deeply regrets now. She, like so many others I have seen before her, decided to be scarier than the person that scared her. But the girl with me yesterday, sobbing and raging against the world, was not a defiant adult, but a terrified and hurt child; one who said she is afraid of me because I might leave her too. 

It is so hard to show these children unconditional love and grace, to try to help them trust me and know that I am not running from their darkness, when the system might remove them from my care at any time. Messages get mixed up, kids are told they are going home when they aren't, parents say they will show up for visits and don't, people promise them things and don't deliver and people like me and those I work with are left with the fallout. I don't blame the kids for being wary of me and not trusting that I am there to help. 

Yesterday was hard. Today will be hard. My heart hurts for this child of mine, but ultimately she is, and always will be God's. That has to be where I find my peace. The state may move her, but God never leaves her. I may see growth that God has someone else water. I may never see progress, but God has a plan. I may encounter pain and grief and rage again and again, but God gives me strength and endurance. Ultimately, that is where I have to be in line. I work within the guidelines of Texas, but I work for God. On days where they don't understand, God can give clarity. On days where they are drowning in sorrow, God can give hope. On days when they are raging against the world, God can show them the beauty inside it. 

Friends pray for us, because this work is hard. Pray for my one who was left behind. Loving people in ways they can understand is so hard, and so many of you do this in different ways. I am praying for you as you seek to help those around you understand the unconditional love of God in a conditional world. May you have strength and grace, wisdom and purpose, hope and joy, and discernment to know your limits as you minister where you are. 

All the feels

I am not sure if you have figured this out about me yet, but I am not a very passive person. I may not always show it, but I have to work everyday on not being controlled by my emotions. Some days, I have great boundaries and am able to keep my game face on; other days I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat. (No joke, one time I was talking to my brother in law and realized I was crying because I could hear the music playing in the background from the scene in The Fox and The Hound when Widow Tweed drops Todd off in the forest. I wasn't even actively watching the movie!) This week some of my girls struggled with all the feelings as well.
I knew I was in for trouble when one of my minions walked up to me and was holding a gingerbread house in her hands. She proudly proclaimed that she had made it before christmas, but forgotten about it, and was very kindly asking me if she could eat it for snack that day. I hated to crush her dreams, but I didn't want her to have a stomach ache from eating a 2 month old, very stale, odd smelling, gingerbread house. She got a little upset and punched the top of the house, seeming shocked when the house suffered no damage at all. She then excitedly asked to take it outside and crush it. Now that, I could get behind.
She ran out and began gleefully throwing the bag the house was inside on the ground. After a few throws, she picked up the bag, looked inside at the demolished jagged pieces, and began to weep. I was flabbergasted as huge tears rolled down her cheeks and she wailed "it's broken!". She then attempted to run at a deer who was brave enough to come close to us to inspect a gumdrop that had landed on the grass because "HE CAN'T EAT IT! IT'S MINE!" As I am trying to de-escalate the situation, and figure out why, after intentionally breaking the house, this reaction is happening, I came to the realization that this was a case of the feels. It wasn't about the house or the deer, but just about being overtaken by an emotion and not knowing how to express that. We talked it out, hugged it out, and moved on.
I also have to move. I got my feelings hurt this week. Instead of talking to me about an issue, I got shut out and was shut down when I attempted to understand. I was stunned for a moment. This person knew just what to say to hurt me and exactly how to spin it to seem blameless and make me doubt my own intentions. As I was sitting there, beginning to question who I am at my core, trying to stop crying for long enough to catch my breath, it hit me; this was my case of the feels. I had been overtaken by an emotion and needed to get a grip. I wasn't quite yelling at deer, but it was close enough. I had allowed someone else to control my emotions and given them the power over me.
I took some deep breaths and looked at the situation again, this time asking myself what sitting and crying was getting me. Other than a headache, I had nothing. This wasn't helping me, and honestly, once I distanced myself from the emotion, I realized the entire situation had very little impact on my life. I could still be me, and live my life, in the reality I now found myself in.
It is the same thing I tell the girls all the time, never give someone or something more power over you than they or it deserve. They can choose to let the person who hurt them define them, feeling worthless and broken, or they can move from that, not excusing the actions of the past, but taking away the power they have over their future. It is hard, seems impossible and can shatter them to attempt to make that move, but it can also break them free from chains they have accepted as permanent parts of who they are. I can choose to continue to let someone walk all over me, or I can adjust my boundaries. We can sit in the feels, or we can move. Sometimes it can be nice to watch a movie or read a book that makes us cry, fills us with longing, or allows us to face some hard realities, but that doesn't need to be where we live. Emotions, while important, don't need to be in control. Next time you get the feels, ask yourself what impact this really has on your life. If you need to cry for two hours about chipped nail polish, I am willing to bet there is something else going on you haven't dealt with yet. If you feel all the feelings, and there isn't a cause, take a deep breath, count to ten, do some yoga, paint a picture, bake a cookie, take a nap, whatever you think might help, and then try to move from it. Just because the wave crashed over you, doesn't mean you have to be swept out to sea by the current. Remember you are made for much more than the pit of the feels, the sun will come out tomorrow, and God has never made a mistake and He made you!