What ifs, what is and the Great I Am

Honestly this one has taken me awhile to write. A few weeks ago I got an up close and personal look at how quickly a decision someone makes can impact their life forever. One of my girls got mad, unwilling or unable to listen to anything we said, she made some choices that I wish I could have saved her from. I know life moves quickly, but this one gave me whip lash.
I found myself in an endless cycle of what ifs. What if I had moved faster? What if I had said something different? What if she had taken a minute? They were endless and debilitating because they didn't do anything but make me doubt and worry. I was stuck in a cycle looking for an answer to a problem that had already been taken out of my hands and I could in no way impact anymore. I spent time and energy trying to change something that was as impossible for me to change.
Then I heard the still small whisper I had been trying to ignore telling me to walk away from the what ifs and rest in what is. I needed to step away from the unknown and rest in what was actually happening. Yes, one of my girls made a terrible choice, but I had seven more to focus on who needed me to see them, where they were and how they were in that moment. I have a job to do that requires me to accept the facts of a person, see them for who they are and help try to shape them into who they can be. I can't change the past, but I can help give them the tools to leave it there. I tried to focus on the now, and the here, and the girls I still worked with everyday.
But my heart mourned the loss of the one who didn't understand that the moment of anger would have such a lasting impact. I tried to move past it, but I felt as if there was still something I needed to do for her. Honestly I was angry at her for making the choices she made, but I felt this overwhelming sense of loss as well. I was disappointed in her, but also in the system that failed her. I was saddened by her choices and enraged at the people who came before me that showed her how to make those poor decisions. I was angry with myself for not getting there in time and having to see people I love get hurt because I wasn't close enough to stand in front of them. It was a confusing tornado of emotions. I cried out to the only one who can handle all of me, and that was when I understood what I needed to do for the one I lost. I needed to give her to God.
I can be removed from the lives of the kids I work with rather easily. All it takes is a caseworker or judge to come in and say they would be better off somewhere else or in a different program structure. They can make decisions that remove them from my care. But God never leaves them. I needed to actively be in prayer for the one who was lost to me, but never lost to Him. God never left her, even when she left me. I pray that someone out there shows her kindness, that she is able to learn the lessons she couldn't grasp with us, and that someone cares for her. I know statistics and research are not on my side, and that in all likelihood she will end up in prison or her kids will be in the system some day, maybe both. But I can still pray to the God who holds her in his hands and heart. That is how I best help her.
When I get lost in the what ifs, I focus on what is, and God is in control. I don't carry that weight around with me anymore. Now I move forward, trying a little harder to listen to that still small whisper and rest in what is actually happening around me in the moment, reacting and responding in ways that hopefully point those around me toward the one we all need most. I am learning how to hold on and when to let go, what to carry and what to put down. It is not easy, but it is a necessary lesson to learn if I am going to be of any use where I am. Please pray for me as I learn this and pray for the team I work with everyday as they meet these situations with me. I would also encourage you to  examine your lives as you go. If you are living in the what ifs, I encourage you to focus on what is, and let God be in control of the rest. Visiting what-ifs-ville can be fun sometimes, but make sure you aren't a permanent resident.

Dishonesty

I remember the day that I learned the world was not an honest place. It was in March during my 2^nd grade year of elementary school. I was having a tea party birthday and I was allowed to invite some of my friends. I was so excited. A girl in my class came up to me and told me she would be bringing her babysitter to my birthday party because her babysitter was so much cooler than I was and that was the only way my lame party would be any fun. I was so confused because not only was her babysitter not invited, she hadn’t been either. 

This classmate and I had never really gotten along and I was shocked that she even knew I was having a party, much less had planned on coming. I told her she wasn’t invited and moved on with my day, never imagining I had hurt her feelings in any way. Then came our after lunch bathroom break.I was standing at the sink washing my hands when I saw her in the mirror behind me. She gave me an odd smile, and then raised her right hand in the air, bringing it down with a loud “smack” on her left arm. 

I was puzzling over why on earth someone would do that when she ran out of the bathroom crying. The next thing I knew, my teacher was coming in the bathroom telling me how disappointed she was that I would hit someone. It took me a second to comprehend what she was saying. I tried to convince her of my innocence, but the handprint on my classmate’s arm was all she needed. I then got my first and only color change in my entire elementary school career.

My clothespin got moved from the green square all the way to the red one, no stop at yellow. I stared at that clothespin so many times for the rest of that day. It didn’t belong on in the red square. I hadn’t done anything. That girl had lied. My whole world was rocked by the concept that people could lie and get away with it, while innocent people had to deal with the consequences. For the children I work with, this is not a concept they are unfamiliar with. They come to me knowing that people can lie and get away with it. They know that people can hurt them and get away with it. They know the world isn’t honest.

Their introduction to this fact is not always as easy as mine was. Moving my clothespin that day in no way gave me lasting consequences. My mom believed me when I told her what happened, and the next day when I walked back into my classroom, the clothespin was back in the green where it belonged. I "suffered" from a person's dishonesty for an afternoon, my girls suffer for much longer than that. 

Because of that, we make it a point not to lie to them. So many people think that because they have been hurt in the past, the best thing for them is to say "yes" to everything you possibly can and give them whatever they want. It isn't. I make a point, as do my co workers, to try to be as honest as possible with them. 

"If you continue to fight people over every small issue, you will be charged with assault and go to jail when you are 18." "If you keep stealing things, you will not be a person who can be trusted and lose friends, if not also go to jail." "If you keep running away, there is always a possibility that we won't be the first ones to find you, and I would hate for you to be found by someone who doesn't want what is good for you." 

These are all things I have said this week. I could hug them and tell them that because they have been hurt the world will give them a free pass, but that is a lie. Instead I hug them and tell them they have to be better than their past and that I am there to help them with the monumental task of building a life for themselves. They know when they have hurt my feelings, because they need to learn that emotions can be felt without a negative response. They know when I have a headache, because they need to know that a small issue doesn't give you an excuse to not go to work. They know when I am disappointed because they need to know I think they have more potential than they are showing. Honesty might not always be fun, but it is necessary. 

My girls are working on it. They are trying to overcome the lies they have been told. "You are worthless", "Everybody does it", "No one will believe you", "You owe me", "You made me do it" and so many other hurtful lies are words I want to help them move from so they can believe things like, "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you", "You are better than your past mistakes", You matter", "You are loved". Pray for them as they seek to replace lies with the truth and build their lives on a foundation that cannot be shaken. I pray you are able to be honest in your lives this week as well as you impact the circles God has put before you. It might not always be easy, but it is worth it.