Honestly this one has taken me awhile to write. A few weeks ago I got an up close and personal look at how quickly a decision someone makes can impact their life forever. One of my girls got mad, unwilling or unable to listen to anything we said, she made some choices that I wish I could have saved her from. I know life moves quickly, but this one gave me whip lash.
I found myself in an endless cycle of what ifs. What if I had moved faster? What if I had said something different? What if she had taken a minute? They were endless and debilitating because they didn't do anything but make me doubt and worry. I was stuck in a cycle looking for an answer to a problem that had already been taken out of my hands and I could in no way impact anymore. I spent time and energy trying to change something that was as impossible for me to change.
Then I heard the still small whisper I had been trying to ignore telling me to walk away from the what ifs and rest in what is. I needed to step away from the unknown and rest in what was actually happening. Yes, one of my girls made a terrible choice, but I had seven more to focus on who needed me to see them, where they were and how they were in that moment. I have a job to do that requires me to accept the facts of a person, see them for who they are and help try to shape them into who they can be. I can't change the past, but I can help give them the tools to leave it there. I tried to focus on the now, and the here, and the girls I still worked with everyday.
But my heart mourned the loss of the one who didn't understand that the moment of anger would have such a lasting impact. I tried to move past it, but I felt as if there was still something I needed to do for her. Honestly I was angry at her for making the choices she made, but I felt this overwhelming sense of loss as well. I was disappointed in her, but also in the system that failed her. I was saddened by her choices and enraged at the people who came before me that showed her how to make those poor decisions. I was angry with myself for not getting there in time and having to see people I love get hurt because I wasn't close enough to stand in front of them. It was a confusing tornado of emotions. I cried out to the only one who can handle all of me, and that was when I understood what I needed to do for the one I lost. I needed to give her to God.
I can be removed from the lives of the kids I work with rather easily. All it takes is a caseworker or judge to come in and say they would be better off somewhere else or in a different program structure. They can make decisions that remove them from my care. But God never leaves them. I needed to actively be in prayer for the one who was lost to me, but never lost to Him. God never left her, even when she left me. I pray that someone out there shows her kindness, that she is able to learn the lessons she couldn't grasp with us, and that someone cares for her. I know statistics and research are not on my side, and that in all likelihood she will end up in prison or her kids will be in the system some day, maybe both. But I can still pray to the God who holds her in his hands and heart. That is how I best help her.
When I get lost in the what ifs, I focus on what is, and God is in control. I don't carry that weight around with me anymore. Now I move forward, trying a little harder to listen to that still small whisper and rest in what is actually happening around me in the moment, reacting and responding in ways that hopefully point those around me toward the one we all need most. I am learning how to hold on and when to let go, what to carry and what to put down. It is not easy, but it is a necessary lesson to learn if I am going to be of any use where I am. Please pray for me as I learn this and pray for the team I work with everyday as they meet these situations with me. I would also encourage you to examine your lives as you go. If you are living in the what ifs, I encourage you to focus on what is, and let God be in control of the rest. Visiting what-ifs-ville can be fun sometimes, but make sure you aren't a permanent resident.
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