"Helping"

There have been several instances in my life recently, professionally and personally, when I have been astounded by what constitutes as "helping". Most of us would say that we can tackle the random tuesdays of our lives with ease. The days where we know what to expect, we look like competent adults who know how to act and accomplish what is set before us. It is the day where we are thrown curveballs that we stumble, and unfortunately, often times, it is those days that matter most. I can make a mistake on a tuesday and it not have any real ramifications. I can forget to file something, say the wrong thing, or forget to pick up toilet paper on my way home and still get by. But then a situation comes along that I don't know how to handle and it carries weight; someone is in pain and I can't fix it, someone is in crisis and I have no answers, and I feel lost. It seems like many of the stories my girls and friends tell me recently have to do with people, very well meaning people, trying to help and making it worse. Sometimes good intentions do harm. Sometimes it is better not to have spoken at all than to say what pops into your head in the moment. There are a few pieces of great advice I have gotten along the way, doing what I do, that help me better manage trauma, not causing more harm along the way. In my frustration over the actions I see around me at times, I realized not everyone is lucky enough to take classes and trainings on how to deal with these situations. Not everyone lives in the trenches. So friends, though most of you will never need it, and know better than to say the things I have heard recently, I am compiling a list of tips in case you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is in pain and all the sudden your mouth tastes like foot and you have the sinking feeling that you just made a whoops.

1. It is not about you. 

I see this all the time with my girls. They tell someone a story and then feel the need to comfort them because they have heard what happened to them and they see they are distressed. It becomes the traumatized seeking to comfort someone who was not there in their trauma. If someone decides to let you into their darkness, it means they trust you enough to hold parts of them they don't give everyone. Someone's darkness is a fragile place that is not built to handle all the emotion you can bring. If your emotions are taking precedent, you are getting in the way of their healing. If it makes you sad, be sad. If it makes you mad, be mad. If it scares you, be scared. Feel what you feel, but don't make a traumatized person carry your emotions for you. 

I sometimes have to hide shaking hands and bite back bad words when my girls confide in me. What has happened to them makes me angry and sick, but they don't need my reaction, they need me to look back at them and be ready to get to work. Some of my friends have been sexually abused. We have wept together and raged at the world that still spins on despite it all, but they decide what and when. When they want to cry about it, we cry, but if they are ready to move, we move. My tears don't hold them back. I may have emotions and feelings that seem impossibly big, but it didn't happen to me. They own the rights to their story, I follow and support where I can. Anytime someone is modifying their crisis for your needs, or you have adopted their trauma as your own, you have crossed a line and need to take a minute to sort you out. They are doing enough as it is without managing you as well. 

2. Ask 

Traumatized adults are still adults. Traumatized teens are still teens. There are times when people enjoy being taken care of and there are times when it can be yet another thing that incapacitates them.  It may seem like a great idea to come in and handle day to day tasks for someone so that they can emotionally break for awhile, but ask them what they want. Deciding when they shower, what they eat, how they dress, or other daily tasks may help them normalize after crisis. Cover them in prayer, be present, but make sure you aren't making decisions for them that they have not authorized. If someone is mentally competent, ask them how they feel or what they want. Once you know, if they need you to carry out the decision and you feel comfortable doing it, by all means help them out. But victim doesn't equal infant. Many times they have had decisions taken from them already. They didn't choose to say goodbye to the person they lost, they didn't choose to be abused, they didn't choose to be abandoned. Choices can be empowering and if someone wants to sail their ship through their storm, you be the best first mate you can, but don't infantilize the captain. 

3. Sometimes silence is the best option

People say stupid things when they panic. Ask any Miss America Pageant participant a question without all the cameras around and I am betting they have more to say than "world peace". It is not up to you to decide that their trauma has "made you all stronger" or "will help someone someday". In crisis people need to know they are safe, loved and able to say anything to you without you judging them. Platitudes are a cop out. One of my girls told me that someone kept talking about the girl she could help someday who would have gone through something similar. At the time, she began to hate that girl. Where was the person to help her when she was alone? Why didn't someone who had been through the same thing come walk her through it? Why was this other girl more important and more loved than her? Why didn't she deserve someone to protect her? On the surface, this sounds like a great thing to say to someone, but at the time, it caused her more harm. Telling someone they will be so much stronger after their issue, sounds like you are telling them that whoever hurt them, actually did them a favor. If someone decides to empower themselves that way, then it is their choice. But you don't get to decide that their trauma makes them stronger or better. You also don't get to add yourself to that. "This has made us so much stronger", or "this has brought us so much closer" sounds as if your relationship with said person is worth whatever happened to them. That is not a choice you get to make. Sometimes, sitting in silence, offering support by being present is all they need. Wait until someone asks for an opinion to offer one, wait until someone asks a questions before you decide to start giving them what you think may be answers. Take a minute and think before you speak. If it is about you, or sounds like it could come from a $0.50 greeting card some random person they met once bought for them, don't say it. Make sure your words are not causing more harm. 

4. Let God guide you

Wanting to be there for someone, and having the skill set to do so are different things. Go as far as God equips you to go. We are not all licensed and trained professionals. We may not have answers, but we can listen to questions. We may not know how to proceed next, but we can be willing to walk with. Sometimes the best thing we can do is point someone to the professionals, cover them in prayer, and show up when they ask. If you don't know how to help, ask the professionals who do. Ask them to ask their therapist or pastor how you best help. Ask God to guide your feet, hands, heart and mouth. Don't think to tell them God's plan without asking. Many times people will tell them what God means in a situation, or what God is going to do, but unless you have consulted with God on the matter, stick to the promises you know. God will guide you, God is with you, God loves you, God hears you, God is not afraid of whatever you are bringing to him. All these things are true. God will strike down your abuser? Not so much. God loves the one who abuses as much as the one who is abused. Which is something that I admit, I struggle with at times, but my struggle does not give me the right to change the nature of God to suit my fancy. God longs for the redemption of all his children and it is not your job to throw the name of God around without following his will yourself. Pray, abide, support, but don't let your mouth get ahead of his will and purpose. 

I have also heard "don't let satan win by being mad" or "satan is trying to drag you down." Satan is not God. Satan doesn't win if you are angry. Satan is not your abuser, your abuser is your abuser. Don't give them that power. God made you capable of feeling emotional depth and He can handle it. God has a place in healing, satan does not and is not going to win because someone is mad. They have a reason to be, and God can handle the emotion they show. Don't give satan more power or authority than he deserves. If someone is a harm to themselves or others, they need professional help, not to be told not to let satan win. 

Things happen in our world that are beyond comprehension. People make horrible choices that can mark those around them in unexpected and terrible ways. As people who seek to help and not hurt, to heal and not harm, to empower and not demean, sometimes we do the opposite of our goal. Good intentions don't excuse careless actions. Reactionary periods aren't a free pass to behave without thought. If you are standing with someone in a storm, make sure you are well anchored and not adding waves for them to weather. Be in prayer, ask for support if you need it, have accountability, and know that you will mess up. We are human and someone we care for is in pain. You being willing to be with someone in a storm is such an amazing way to show support, but we take time and prepare for other things that are important in our lives. When we encounter a situation we are not confident about, or want to become better at in the future, we practice, we study, we hone skills and we ask for advice. This area is no different. We, as Christians, family, friends and neighbors, can attempt to prepare for the day when someone will need us instead of walking in blind and hoping to do some good without preparation. We will never have all the answers or handle situations perfectly, but we can say sorry and do better the next time, taking the tools we know as we go. Don't be afraid of silence, or too scared to ask questions. No one expects perfection, and you can't offer it, but you can limit the harm done as you try to help.