Thankfulness

Today was Thanksgiving. It is a day that most spend surrounded by family or friends at a table filled with great food, laughter, and shared memories and experience. My girls are a little different. They spend holidays like today longing for the family they are no longer with, or dreaming of the family they could have. It is hard to have a staff and not a mom today. I can try my hardest, but I am always only Miss Amy. Some days that distinction doesn't hit very hard, but I was expecting it to hit home today.
For one it was the day I expected it to be. She pushed back and was overcome by big emotions. Her day was spent ranting and railing against people who aren't within reach, striking out instead at the ones who did show up today. It is hard to be hard on those behaviors when behind the defiance is an abandoned child. I had to look at the defiance at face value and make sure that, even though she was hurting, we didn't undo so many weeks of hard work by coddling a tantrum. That is a hard line and I had to tap out at some points. I am thankful for the team I have behind me that can come in and take over when I need to step away.
For a few of them, it was a normal day with more food. They played normally, and helped around the unit with daily tasks. At lunch it was fun to watch them pick what they wanted to eat instead of being given a plate of food that has already been made for them. They get little choice in this life of theirs, so seeing them realize they could have seconds or just eat mashed potatoes and green bean cassarole was hilarious. They would walk over to the dishes and raise the serving spoon like someone was going to tell them no. I assured them over and over it was fine and they could eat whatever they wanted as long as they were't going to pop from eating too much.
One of my little ones though,  was my shining moment today. She struggles even listening to Christmas music because she cries and wants to go home. I was worried about her today, but she watched the parade without issue and then came the big test of eating our Thanksgiving feast. She was talking and laughing with the rest of them. I remained worried about her until a little bit later when she was riding her bike around outside. She had a soft smile on her head and her bike helmet was slightly askew. I went over to her to help her fix it and heard her singing a little song under her breath. As i got closer I could make out the words. She was singing "Pecan pie, pecan pie, we are gonna eat pecan pie. Yummy yummy pecan pie." I fixed her helmet and watched her ride around still singing her little song. When we went inside and she actually got the pie she did a little dance and said "Miss today is my favorite." I asked what about the day was her favorite and she told me "I am all full and happy"
Well folks, that did it. That is what I am thankful for. I am thankful that a child got to be a child and for a happy pecan pie dance and song. Life may be hard, and there is a huge obstacle in front of them, but today, she was happy and I am thankful for that.

Life in the Bubble

Sometimes we all need a little perspective. It can be so easy to become consumed with the little bubbles we live in and forget the outside world. My girls and their issues become all I think about as I sleep, breathe and live the unit. My worldview shrinks and my reference point becomes what does and doesn't work for the eight girls I work with. They are important, and I love my job, but they aren't my entire life. I had a wonderful reminder of that as I got to step outside my bubble and travel to Mississippi to see my Mississippi people and watch one of the most influential people in my life get married last week.
I was surrounded by people who didn't need me to de-escalate them. Children had tantrums and no one looked at me to solve it. No one tried to run away, no one got physical, and no one needed me to medicate, feed, tutor, or keep them on a routine. I was an adult, with other adults, and everyone was happy. It was the oddest feeling. The world continued on in the unit without me, and I was able to take a break and realize that the outside world still exists and welcomes me when I have the time to encounter it. I reconnected with friends, made some new ones, ate great food, laughed until I cried, had my breath taken away by beauty, and stood in the company of great men and women. I saw Elizabeth gazing at Matthew as she walked down the aisle to join her life with his. I saw Matthew's giddy grin when they were pronounced man and wife. I was reminded that relationships are not all dysfunctional and warped.
Stepping outside my bubble gave me better perspective once I returned to "normal" life. I had recharged and taken time to refocus my energies and attitude. Everything wasn't horrible and stressful, I had just been in the world and seen beauty. My girls weren't all I had to think about or focus on, as I was reminded of all the people I have who love me and are there when I need them. My world was better focused because I had something to balance it.
I also got another perspective. While I was in Mississippi preparing for a wedding, I took a minute to check the news and learned of the attacks on Paris. I was reminded that my worldview needed to include the world. My small bubble was not the only one I was called to impact in some way. Terrorists commit heinous acts everyday in countries who are classified as "war-torn" or "third world" and we don't feel rocked to our core because we are desensitized and busy. But Paris struck a chord and we were reminded that safety is not a guarantee and our comfort zones are not our mission fields.
My job is important, but it is not the only one I have. I am called to bring Christ to those who seek him, no matter what they look like.
I logged into Facebook with caution, knowing some friends would be able to show Christ-like compassion, and some would have taken the opportunity to suit up in their judges robes. I was not surprised by what I saw. Some friends have taken the time to try to learn how to love those who look different while others have grown comfortable in their towers from which they look upon the rabble. I decided to mix the beauty with the ashes and attempt to see both for what they were in the hopes that I was seeing clearly.
I needed, and was given, perspective. There is beauty and terror in the world where we live. My job is important, but not my entire life and reason for living. I have been called to be here, but not only here. Rest and work, sorrow and joy, quiet and noise, we all need balance. As you figure out where you stand in the days and weeks to come, I hope you are able to find the beauty, see the truth of the terror and widen your scope so that your perspective can be more like that of Christ.

Boundaries

Most of my girls have a problem saying four letter words that they should not say. We try to combat that with  some other four letter words, love and time. This week however, we encountered a four letter word that made me want to scream the four letter words they get consequences for using. This week we had to deal with...the dreaded infestation of...lice. As we scrambled to check every girl's head, we then turned to the dreaded task of checking each other's hair. My coworker patiently checked my hair in sections and then informed me that she was slightly positive she may or may not have seen a shadow of something. That was enough for me to get treated and saran wrap my head while chemicals hopefully killed whatever she did or did not see. As coworkers snapped pictures of my alien head,  I tried to find the humor in the situation. Of course the one day I was too lazy to put my hair up after my shower would be the day we find lice. Of course the girls who had it would be the ones I had consoled and hugged the day before as they had emotional issues. I got off lightly, as after my saran wrapped chemical experience, I was deemed to be clean. I made an essential oil mixture and bought special shampoo just in case, but I got off lightly compared to what it could have been.

Later in the week I wanted to (and did) say those words I shouldn't say again when I realized one of my girls had played me and run away. I am imperfect and thought my spidey sense was tingling all day, I connected the dots about a minute too late and she made it out the door. Since it was dark outside when she ran, they were still looking for her when I left work. I felt a huge weight on my chest. I came home angry at her for abusing my trust, but mostly angry at myself because I should have know better and seen it coming. I had a feeling between wanting to burst into tears, punch something, and throw up until I got a text message around midnight saying she had been found safe and was back where she needed to be. The next morning walking into work was hard. I didn't know whether I wanted to yell at her, or hug her and cry. I realized then my emotions were running the show and I needed to let my head take the reigns. 

A few years ago I realized that I had terrible boundaries. I came to realize this after no less that five different people recommended the book Boundaries to me. (If you haven't read it, you need to! Super helpful, Cloud and Townsend, check it out.) I came to the conclusion that I cannot help anyone when I am too tired or drained to care. That book made me do some evaluating and changing in my life, prioritizing myself and what I need. It isn't selfish to make sure that I am okay, it is necessary. It is something I have to check from time to time though, as not taking the time to care for myself is a very easy habit to fall back into. 

Looking at my runaway this week, I realized I had been neglecting my boundaries. Much like the lice that infected my unit, without care or check to their infestation, I had allowed other people's emotions and issues to infest my life. I had neglected myself and was headed toward the place of being burnt out. I care, and will always care about the emotions of those around me; but caring and carrying are very different things. If there was emotional infestation shampoo, I needed it. Instead, I went inside myself and inspected my mental walls, filling the gaps and patching the holes. I said no when I needed to say no. Instead of trying to play a game with one of my girls who wanted me to play, I was honest about needing to do paperwork. I didn't let my runaway dump her emotions on me, instead tapping in others who can help. I shared the load. Everything got done and I when I left for the day, I left the emotions of the day behind. When I got home, I focused on what I needed and wanted. I rested. 

I am still tired. We are so short staffed right now it is ridiculous. (Seriously if you know anyone who wants to work with some pretty cool children at a youth ranch in Kerrville Texas let me know.) I am trying to show these kids that someone loves them and point them toward Christ, but I am no good to anyone if I am burnt out and emotionally drained. I have to take time for me, even if only in small ways. I am so excited to get to go see my soul sister get married this week (*happy dance*). I am not sure I remember how to have conversations with people who aren't emotionally disturbed, but I am going to dust off my social skills and give it a go. I was so glad to get to hug my sister and hold my nephews this week. I have a dinner date with my mom and am going to get to hug my dad before I go to the wedding. I am going to get 5 whole days without having to contain or de-escalate. I am going to re-charge. 

This week remember that while you are important, the fate of the world does not rest in your hands alone. Take time to make sure you are okay. Do something for yourself. Check your boundaries. While you can and should care, don't carry the emotions of others. Charge your batteries so that you can continue the work to which you are called. Don't fight needless battles for ambiguous reasons, instead focus on where you hear God's voice. Don't waste emotion on things that ultimately don't impact the Kingdom or you in any real way. Take rest, say no, and practice some self care. Your health matters.