My Big Secret

Dear Friends,
I am writing this post in a different form because it is far more personal than other posts I have done so far. This is my letter to each of you and if you need to ask me questions after reading this post, please feel free to do so. My posting this is not an admittance of weakness or shame, but coming forward to say this where I am, where I was, and expressing my willingness to jump in wherever you are in your life at the moment.
 I had a happy childhood, I have an amazing family, I was never inappropriately touched or abused. I have met some amazing people who jumped in this crazy thing we call life with me and have been willing to walk with me in storms. The worst thing to happen to me so far, is that I was unable to fill an expectation I placed on myself because I never stopped to think God might have something different for me. I have been, in short, extremely blessed. My big secret however, is that for a period of time, I completely and utterly despised myself. Not in an "I could lose five pounds or change my hairstyle" kind of way, but I could not even look in mirrors because the person who looked back at me made me want to throw up. I could find no worth or meaning in her.
I didn't know her, didn't want to know her, and hated that this was the form I had to use in order to meet the world. If I hated her this much, surely everyone else did too. Everyone who smiled at me, or was nice, I carried the weight of their unwanted pity. There was no way that anyone actually liked me. Being alone was dangerous, being around other people was dangerous and I found myself in a pit. The only reason I didn't just end it all was because I did the math and realized my parents had taken out loans to pay for my college and I didn't want them to be stuck with more debt from a funeral.
During this time I led a bible study, helped other people with their lives, smiled and laughed and fooled the world. No one knew anything was wrong me with me. When I finally hit my lowest point one night I decided I wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't going to ever be anything but a burden and I was tired, so tired of fighting. I looked normal, people thought I was fine, but standing upright and breathing was a battle everyday. You never really know what is going on in someone's head and just because they seem "normal" or "strong" or "okay" doesn't mean they actually are. Some people are just brilliant mimics who can make you believe they are fine when that is the furthest thing from the truth.
In my tired darkness however, something amazing happened. I got PISSED. I was FURIOUS. I had one of my yelling at the sky moments when I screamed all my pain and frustration to God. Other people got "normal" and "happy". I asked God how me being in this pit brought him any glory. If my entire existence was brought about to edify him, how was loathing myself glorifying? I realized that my pit was not a place of glory. It was a place of darkness and I am a child of light.  I clung to John 10:28-30 which says that no one  can take me from my Father's hand. No one, not even me, or the girl in the mirror that disgusted me. No matter how dark I thought it was, God was with me.
But as comforting as that was, I needed a human person to walk through this with me. I had begun to recognize the lies I believed were truth, but I could not do it alone. My parents listened to me say scary words without flinching. My sister and brother in law gave me a safe place in a storm. My soul sister Elizabeth helped me connect lines and be vulnerable. These people stood with me. These people gave me the courage to talk to doctors, see a therapist and a place to break and have it be okay.
I worked with a therapist for two years and came to the point that I found myself again. I liked me. My darkness receded and I could breathe. It will always be a struggle. There are days that are tinged with darkness. Those days are the days I call on reinforcements because when I am my own enemy, I need other people on my team. That isn't weakness, it is strength. Asking for help is hard. Admitting you can't, is humbling, but necessary.
One thing I realized amidst my struggle is that "normal" and "happy" are subjective. We are supposed to call on Christ for all we need. He is all sufficient, but there are times when his sufficiency is provided through the community to which he calls us. Christ will provide, but sometimes he provides through others. We all want to be strong and have it all together, but we are all weak and fall apart. We are humans on the path to sanctification, but on the path we are all broken. We live in a broken world. God is here, but we are by no means there. We are all going through something that has the potential to be the thing that tips the scales, from manageable to overwhelmed. Community isn't a want, but a need.
 We HAVE to start being vulnerable with each other. We sin, we struggle, we doubt, we fall, we question, we break, we are paralyzed with fear, we are burdened with impossible weight, we feel, we need. It is not that we are not strong in our faith or doubt God, or just need to be better Christians. Everyone, from the person who looks like their life is perfect, your pastor, your rock in the storm, your enemy even, needs someone to stand unshakably in their storm. You have to be willing to let someone look in the dark corners of your pain and you have to be willing to look at someone else's.  I would much rather walk a hard road with someone, than to wonder why and miss them when they are gone.
We are called to bring light to dark places, and depression is nothing if not a dark place. Christ, who is our model, feared the cross and asked for another way. He went alone to the father, but he took his disciples to the garden. There are parts of my struggle that only God and I know, but I let others in my garden. Let someone in your garden. Our burden is not the cross, or the sin of the world, but it is significant. If it matters to you, it matters. You matter. Asking for help is not weakness. If we are called to be the hands and feet of Christ, and called to community, in not asking for help, you are depriving your brothers and sisters of the chance to be what God has equipped them to be. You are strong, but everyone needs help sometimes. Everyone.
Dear friends, I am imperfect, I am inexperienced, I am no different than any of you. My words don't have special power, I am not stronger or better in any way. You have no reason to listen to a 26 year old girl talk about how she used to be depressed. But, please, be honest and vulnerable with someone who can go to God with you on hard days. Please be open to being that person for someone else. We cannot do this alone. Be strong enough to let someone in. You are worth it. You matter.