Wolves amongst Sheep

"I trusted him."

"I thought it was what I deserved."

"It is how some people show love."

"It's not like anyone else wanted me."

"He made me feel like it was my fault." 

"Everyone loved him." 

"Who would believe me?"

"He was nothing like the people I had been warned about." 

Can you pick out which statements were said by girls in my unit and which ones were said to me by girls I consider to be my close friends? There are an alarming amount of people in my circle of friends who have experienced sexual abuse in some form. Some choose to identify it as rape, some use the word abuse, but either way, I have more close friends who have been abused, than I do friends who haven't. That is a scary conclusion to come to. 

I work with girls who have been abused and come from poverty or abandonment. They have had parents who thought drugs were more important than they were, or have had parents who are not mentally capable of caring for another human being.  I know girls and women who have been abused who had caring, involved parents. They went to college, were on teams in high school, went to church on Sundays and Wednesdays and were not thought to be "at risk". From what I have observed, there is not an age, race, social class, level of education or level of involvement that completely protects one from the danger of being abused. 

Some of my girls in the unit look like "typical" abuse victims. They have sad stories attached to thick files in which some bad person took advantage of them. It can be easy to picture yourself as different than my girls,  pitying them from your educated, elevated state where the civilized people are; until you realize that the person who grew up next door to you, with the perfect family Christmas card every year, has an abuse story too. 

There has got to be something wrong with the message we are giving. So many of my friends and some of the girls in my unit, were abused by someone who was, or even still is, a prominent member of a church. Some are even in leadership still today. So what do we do friends? How do we change the message we are sending?

I grew up in a church and there were a few times I can remember being separated, boys in one room, girls in another, and someone talking to us about sex. One of my best friends was kind enough to give me insight into what was shared in his room. His message basically consisted of someone telling him to be a leader, not to masturbate, and to conquer all urges with prayer. Mine was a little different.
I remember someone telling me how sad it would be if I had to apologize to my future husband on our wedding day for being incomplete because I had fallen into sin and had sex with a boyfriend before I got to the altar. I was told I needed to watch how I dressed so I wasn't tempting my male friends. I was also told my virginity tied into my self worth. There was a horrible demonstration where someone unwrapped a present  and then re-wrapped it multiple times and set it next to an unopened, beautifully wrapped present. We were then asked to choose and told that if we had sex, we would be the shabby package. God could forgive us, and we still had a present inside, but we would always be damaged. Wow. 

This issue wasn't one I personally struggled with. I moved to a new town when I was 15 and felt like God was telling me this was not my time to date. I made friendships but never felt like that part of my heart was mine to give away. This stayed that way until I was about 23. Then I felt like God was opening that part of my heart. In the midst of my depressive spiral, it was the last thing I wanted. I then began to struggle with the pain of not being pursued by any of the guys I knew or met. As I was plagued by new insecurities, I was having a conversation with one of my friends. She said something about how men are sexual beings and women are emotional beings. I nodded along, because I had heard that somewhere as well, but then the oddness stuck me. 

Men can be emotional. Women can have urges. I have male friends who have emotional struggles everyday and struggle to communicate that to a world that expects them to be tough and to lead. I have had female friends who have struggled with issues like pornography and sex addictions and felt like they had no where to turn because they weren't supposed to struggle with that, men were. We need to stop telling boys they can't be emotional and start talking to girls about what to do when you have physical urges. 

We need to stop making sex such a taboo subject to talk about. The media, movies, music videos and young adult fiction have no problems addressing sex, but in a church, we only talk about it in the smallest forms. My mom opened a dialogue with me when I was 13 about what was happening to my body and emotions. That conversation kept going. She told me not to be embarrassed or ashamed and that she was there to answer any questions I might have. We had some awkward conversations, but I am forever grateful for them, especially when I think back at all the other messages I was being told. 

Somehow, we are allowing wolves to hide amongst our sheep. We are allowing church to become a place where predators can hide and victims feel voiceless. We have created a dialogue that allows those who have been abused to feel responsible and those who abuse to feel free to continue to do so. I don't know how we change this. I don't have any grand solutions, but I know something has got to change. Whether it is the ability to make people feel free to talk about what is honestly a struggle for them, creating a place where the abused don't feel the need to cower, or modifying our message to both better equip the men and women we are raising. we have to do something different. The way the system is now, where so many feel voiceless and afraid, only continues a cycle that brings no glory to God and has no place in our lives. If we are going to call ourselves brothers and sisters, we have to step up and begin a conversation that might be difficult, but is not one we can afford to ignore any longer. If you are a parent, check in with your kids about where they are and what they think. If you work with children or youth, make sure the messages you are sending out are helpful. If you don't fall in either category, pray for those who do as they seek to change a pattern that has no place here.